My Baby Is A Vegetable

According to the baby books and websites I’ve been reading for the past seven months, that is.

All these baby prep guides provide updates by the week/month/trimester, giving you some insight into how the kid is developing, and for some reason, just about every single time they compare your growing baby to some kind of fruit or vegetable.

Keep reading to see the full grocery list of baby comparisons….

About 30 weeks in, the list of comparisons has so far included the following:

  • melon
  • heirloom tomato
  • butternut squash
  • an average rutabaga (I beg your pardon! My baby is NOT average!)
  • peach
  • a head of cabbage
  • a chinese cabbage
  • a head of cauliflower
  • an English hothouse cucumber
  • an ear of corn
  • a large mango
  • a carrot
  • a banana
  • a bell pepper
  • a turnip
  • an avocado
  • an apple
  • a lemon
  • and more…

Oh, I almost forgot my favorite comparison. Around week 13, apparently my baby resembled a miniature newborn. No shit? My baby looks like a tiny baby? No way. I don’t believe you.

I totally understand finding a relatable way to convey the baby’s size while it’s submerged in my wife’s belly, but can’t we get a little more creative? First of all, I’m no commie. Where’s the beef? When will my baby be the size of a Kobe burger? An English hothouse cucumber? GO BACK TO RUSSIA!

Second of all, my baby is a boy. How about comparing him to a baseball, or a pocket vagina, or something else a man can wrap his head around. Besides, I’m pretty sure if I knew what a Chinese cabbage was, I’d hate it.

Sorry, I’ve just never been attracted to Asians.

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6 thoughts on “My Baby Is A Vegetable

  1. Just so you know, in the coming months I will without a doubt refer to your son as “it.” Deal with it! (no pun)
    It won’t be necessarily on purpose, but oh yes, it will be happening.

  2. Oh, yes. The food comparisons. Early on, Joe would make sure to eat the food that week in order to bond with the baby. The larger the kid gets, the less creative the comparison get. Also, a lot of them didn’t make sense — like, a roast chicken came a few weeks before an apple.

    Jael & I devised a new set, and frankly, more appropriate, set of comparisons: shot glass; brandy snifter; white wine glass; pint glass; red wine glass; yard; growler.

  3. Yeah actually, I always referred to the unborn kid as an it too. It just felt right. Hell, it felt weird to call it by it’s name the first few months it was alive.

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