Last week, I educated all of you on how to go about taking care of a newborn. I haven’t gotten the Baby Straight Jacket on the market yet, but I can already tell some of you are skeptical. A straight jacket for babies? Surely I must be joking!

I assure you I am deadly serious. Ask yourself this question: are babies all that different from psychopaths?

Keep reading for the shocking answer!

If I were to hand you the following list and ask you what it describes, what would you say?

• Eats slop
• Can’t be around sharp objects
• Stares wide-eyed and confused when confronted
• Constantly throws pointless, frenzied tantrums
• Attaches self to closest breast, refuses to let go
• Sleeps in padded chamber
• Must be forcefully held down to be cleaned
• Temperature must be taken via anus
• Needs constant supervision
• Hides razorblade in mouth
• Watches Yo Gabba Gabba
• Frequently shits self

So: does that list describe a baby or a committed lunatic?

Guess what? You’re wrong!

Because the correct answer is BOTH! The only difference between a lunatic and a newborn is age, and that’s merely because no one dares diagnose a baby as insane. No one but ME!

So now the question becomes, why HASN’T someone invented a Baby Straight Jacket? A few rings around the “swaddle” technique I described next week and you’re already either treating your baby like a psycho or on your way to creating one. Either way, the Baby Straight Jacket will come in handy.

The only problem with putting a straight jacket on my kid is that he hates being swaddled so much, he’s constantly busting out of the thing like Bruce Banner. Even if I were I to put my patented Baby Straight Jacket on him, I’m sure he’d pull a Martin Riggs and dislocate his shoulder just to escape. The kid has skills. If he does break free, you better believe I won’t be popping that shoulder back in very quickly. No way. Sit with the pain, Junior. SIT WITH IT.

And never defy me again!