When I was a little kid, my brother told me they were making a sequel to E.T. in which his evil twin wreaks havoc.
This awesome trailer – complete with original cast members! – imagines something similar:
Archive | February, 2011
Worse Than Waterboarding
22 Feb
Thankfully, he won’t remember any of this.
He won’t remember shoving his fists in his mouth and chewing on his tiny fingers, just to get some relief. He won’t remember his parents’ frustration and exasperation as they attempted to diagnose and then treat what appeared to be a totally phantom issue (like so many of them are). He won’t even remember the blissful relief a few drops of Baby Orajel afforded him, but that probably has less to do with his unformed brain and more to do with the fact that Baby Orajel doesn’t do shit.
No, he won’t remember the days weeks months of pain that came with the slow emergence of his first teeth. But my wife and I won’t forget them anytime soon. I can’t wait until he’s ready to lose his baby teeth, because I am going to pull them out and grind them into dust!
I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!!!
Valentine’s Day Massacre
16 Feb
The wife and I didn’t do much on Valentine’s Day.
The night before the “holiday,” Mr. Chubbles decided to wake up every hour and a half and scream until one of us went in there to give him a cuddle or a burp or some chloroform. So by the time Valentine’s Day itself rolled around, we were exhausted.
But we managed a little something. Can’t disappoint the florists and chocolatiers!
Want Ads – What To Get The Dad Who Has Everything
14 Feb
SUBLET NEEDED:
Apartment. Single Bedroom sublet also acceptable.
Male, mid-30s, looking to sublet a bedroom or apartment for a few weeks (potentially years). My needs are few: Space to lay down. And NO BABIES. I don’t just mean no babies in your part of the apartment, I mean NO BABIES IN THE VICINITY. Not in the building, not on the block, not even close. If I so much as hear a rattle, I will torch the entire building without even thinking twice.
That said, I’m an easy tenant! As long as there’s a blanket I don’t even need a mattress.
All I need is an empty space with enought room for me to lay down, with a door that closes and NO BABIES.
IN LIEU OF SUBLET, WILL ALSO ACCEPT:
Time Machine.
Must have range of at least 15 months and allow for travel into the past. Preferably housed in an isolated place where, upon arrival, there is room for me to lay down, with a door, and NO BABIES in the vicinity (see above re: arson). Would prefer ability to travel backwards and forwards in time – at least once each way – so as to return to the present after I’ve gotten one single goddamn night of baby-free sleep.
NOTE: Inability to return to present is not a deal-breaker. Just get me out of here.
Tale of the Tape: Am I Old or Just a New Parent?
10 Feb
Over the past five months my life has changed a lot, for obvious baby-related reasons. Hence this blog.
But over the past few years, my life has changed in other ways that have nothing to do with the ill-advised and soul-deadening decision to have a child.
I’m talking about things that seem to have more to do with the fact that I am rapidly approaching 35 years old than the fact that I am adding yet another mouth with its own carbon footprint to an overpopulated planet on the verge of extinction. Problem is, with my life so wrapped up in making sure my baby lives long enough to contribute to and eventually witness the final days of the planet he will help destory, it isn’t always easy to tell the difference between the changes that are my baby’s fault and the changes that are my rapidly deteriorating body’s fault. So I decided to try and figure out who to blame: My son or your God.
That’s right: It’s a Tale of the Tape!
The Soothing Sounds of Heroin Addiction
7 Feb
This weekend, I came across a company called Rockabye Baby. They create lullabys based on popular music so you can indoctrinate your child with your favorite tunes before he can even speak.
Not entirely sure I’m on board with stripping these artists of many of the qualities that make them relevant in the first place – which is what is necessary in order to make most popular music compatible with infants, but whatever. It’s a decent idea – nothing warms my heart like the thought of my son growing up to like the same music, movies, books and other assorted pop culture that I waste so much time obsessing over – but there’s just something questionable about the execution here, not the least of which is the fact that it doesn’t seem like the people at Rockabye spent too much time considering the lyrical content of some of their selections.
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