I knew when I started this blog that I didn’t want to “put a sugarjacket” on any of my experiences as a dad. As I look back at the last year of posts, I see that while I’ve done my best to put it all out there, both good and bad, the fact is it’s mostly been good! I love my son and being a dad is a lot of fun; it can be hard not to gush.
Hard, but not impossible.
To prove it, I’ve contributed a guest post to the Prime Parents’ Club website that is about as honest as it gets in detailing some of the bullshit that comes with owning and maintaining a 10-month old human.
Check it out!
There was a time when I thought they weren’t real. I saw them on a classic episode of the Simpsons and thought they were a clever joke. But, sadly, they do exist. And it’s hard to believe anyone would consider using one.
I’m talking about the “Baby Harness.” In the classic Simpsons episode that featured the return of Danny DeVito as Homer’s long-lost brother Herb, a baby-speech translator captures the feelings of a child who has been subjected to a harness: “This leash demeans us both.” (Watch the episode here)
And the kid is right. But the sad fact is that even parents like me, who refuse to succumb to the convenience of the baby harness, can’t help but regularly demean their children with items as necessary and commonplace as everyday clothing.
I have made my peace with babies. After long, contentious negotiations, we’ve finally come to terms.
Of course, I still hate your baby (sorry, but it’s true. My baby is the best, your baby is the worst; that’s just the way it is.) But babies in general? They’re okay. There’s been a lot of chatter lately, as usual, about whether kids should be allowed in restaurants. This place banned them. You already know how I feel.
Babies aren’t the issue, believe me. After 10 months of living with one, I understand them now; at least, I understand them as much as I ever will. I’m used to having a baby around, I know the drill; I can deal with babies. They are what they are and they are controllable.
Toddlers, on the other hand…
Finally, an action movie even my baby can enjoy. Why don’t they make genre flicks aimed at babies, anyway? He could go his whole infancy without seeing himself represented in a cop flick!
Until now! A baby-buddy-cop movie. GENIUS!
“Your charms don’t work on me, you little tramp!”
“They’re my kids, I own ‘em.” – Homer Simpson
I created my son. And I will mold him to be exactly the person I want him to be. Except for the fact that I don’t want him to be a person.
Because I’m raising my son to be a bird.