Archive | September, 2011

We Gon’ Party Like It’s Yo Birthday

15 Sep ball_pit

You know that hateful, soul-deadening show on MTV about teenage girls? No, not that one. Not that one either..

This one. Where parents spend six figures on their kids’ birthday parties, presumably to satisfy an already spoiled teen and to keep up with the Joneses who are also throwing supersized parties that – let’s face it – aren’t any fun since the kids are only 16 and can’t even drink. (Unless the parents are SUPER cool.) The minute I saw that show I knew – no matter how rich I might one day become – I would never spoil my kids so obnoxiously, nor have kids who were so obsessed with popularity and status, nor waste so much of my own time and money on a child’s birthday party.

And then my son’s first birthday approached. And my wife organized a circus-themed party complete with a ball pit, popcorn and more. And my life began to spiral downward into an abyss of despair.

Happy birthday, kiddo!

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Baby Rule: Hookers aren’t good role models

8 Sep Toddlers-and-Tiaras_240

A few years ago, well before my son was gestating in her uterus like H.R. Giger‘s worst nightmare, my wife bought a bunch of fabric in order to snip and sew into a Halloween costume.

Wanna see it?

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I’m a Parent. What’s Your Excuse?

8 Sep kid_in_jail

A friend of mine is in a fantasy football league in which one owner drafted a defense in the 6th round. When questioned as to why he made such an idiotic pick, said owner explained that he made the pick because his young son had been begging him to take the Steelers D all day and he couldn’t hold him off any longer.

Um, what?

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You Can’t Handle the Proof!

6 Sep taped baby

You never quite realize how dangerous your home is until you have a child. Once your kid gets mobile, perfectly innocuous things that seemed safe for years will become booby-trapped death machines.

The furniture you’ve had for years, drawers you haven’t even opened in months, the stuff you’ve lost beneath, between and behind your couch? None of it is safe. The kid will find it – every jagged, swallowable, poisonous bit of it –  and he will find a way to use it, as a weapon, on himself. Seriously: babies should be hired to brainstorm for the military; the unique ways they have of injuring themselves have to be useable in combat. They are like little MacGyvers of pain.

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If You Can’t Beat Em…

2 Sep

A few weeks ago I caught wind of this new Tumblr focusing on the “bad parents, cute babies, questionable decisions” that result in photos of babies in bars.

I took issue with the site’s general conceit that taking a baby to a bar is a bad idea. But the site has potential. So much potential, in fact, that I sent in a pic of myself with my son, in a bar. And yesterday it went live. Bad parent? Maybe. Questionable decision? Maybe. Cute baby? You bet your ass!

If You Cant Beat Em...

Does it make this better or worse that this was a bar in Ireland?

Duds On Demand

1 Sep logo

A friend just sent me a link to plumgear.com

At first I assumed it was some Not-Safe-for-Work site, like the LemonParty link he sent me. (DO NOT CLICK THAT LINK.) (SERIOUSLY. DO NOT CLICK THAT LINK.)

My friend is wacky like that. And the URL is plumgear.com, for pete’s sake. What was I supposed to think? But it turns out it’s NOT about how to outfit your nether regions. It’s actually a brand new way to avoid one of the many expenses that comes with owning a rapidly growing child.

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Blight in August

1 Sep Worst Parent Ever

I am glad August is over.

Between a whole bunch of travel (some leisure-based, some not), Hurricane Irene, the heat, the interminable NFL preseason, the terrible television and my son’s graduation into a mobile, havoc-wreaking machine, August was tough. So, except for the fact that September is likely to be even worse – what with my birthday, my son’s birthday, our anniversary, football season, fantasy season AND the fact that I totally forgot to say “Rabbit rabbit” this morning! – I am ready to turn the page into fall.

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