Yesterday morning my wife and I were watching the Olympics, specifically the women’s cycling road race and some qualifiying events in gymnastics. (What can I say? it was a lazy Sunday morning and we don’t have cable.)
My son was mostly playing by himself while we watched, but when the gymnastics came on he started to emulate the athletes on screen. He was bending down and stomping his feet and throwing his hands up generally being a very cute, very funny little guy.
And yet during his gold medal cuteness routine, all I could think was: please god don’t somehow end up being good at gymnastics.
Having kids is not all it’s cracked up to be.
For one thing, you have a tiny human being in your house. This is almost as bizarre as having an animal in your house, but at least animals have fur. All my son has is tons and tons of drool.
For the most part it’s fun to have him around, except of course for the drain on my finances, the stress on my marriage, the elimination of my social life, the inability to sleep, the constant threat of fecal explosion, etc. It’s actually very much like running a farm; at the beginning there was even milking.
I know this is old news; everyone already knows that kids are a drag. But not all kids are a drag in the same ways.
Here then, is a list of things I hate about my son, and my son only.
Now that we’ve all agreed that kids aren’t funny, let’s get to the real issue: We need to stop laughing at them.
Or we’re all gonna be in big trouble.
I don’t know much, but I know your kid isn’t funny.
How do I know? Because no kids are funny.
This includes mine.
Marriage is tough. When you have a kid, it gets even tougher. You think you know your spouse inside and out, and then out of nowhere she tells you she is anti-spanking. Even after reading “Fifty Shades of Grey”!*
Dr. Phil would (probably) tell you that communication is the cornerstone of any successful marriage. With a child communication becomes even more important, because parenting is not only the most significant duty you’ll ever (mostly hate) performing, it is also a team sport. If you’re not on the same page with your spouse it can lead to disaster, both for your kid and for your marriage.
Fortunately, while having a kid makes communication more important, it also makes communication a lot easier. Just as long as you don’t mind being a passive-aggressive dick.
My son loves music. A few weeks ago we bought him a little wooden guitar to play around with, and for the 18 hours he had it, he wouldn’t let it go; he actually wanted to sleep next to it in his crib. We didn’t let him, lest he break it…
Of course, the next morning, after waking up and immediately grabbing his new axe, he Pete Townshended the hell out of it. I love music myself, particularly rock n’roll, so I’m excited to see him appreciate it so young. Doesn’t hurt that he’s already emulating one of the all-time guitar gods, though it’s a shame he smashed into pieces so quickly. At least he didn’t copy Hendrix at Monterey!
This supercool video – in which a dude guns through 100 mostly recognizable guitar riffs in row, in one take – will be a fun way to show my son all the different sounds a guitar can make. Even if the guy in the video doesn’t quite do Tom Morello justice.
My son likes my wife more than he likes me.
Yup. He’s a bit of a mama’s boy. But it’s normal for young kids to have an attachment to their mom; after spending nine months living in someone’s body, and then another year or so relying on that body for sustenance, you’d get attached too. Besides, he’s not even two, so I’m not super concerned that he’ll develop into some freaky Norman Bates type guy. Yet.
But I understand why he likes Mom more than dear old Dad. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t occassionally hurt my feelings.
Except when it works to my advantage.
A tad harsh? Maybe. Funny as hell? Definitely.
I mean, that punch. Wow!
Source: East Flats Films
I taught my son to say “smash!” like the Hulk. It’s awesome.
But now everytime I show him a superhero, whether it’s Spider-Man, Superman or even Aquaman (I have a t-shirt. Don’t hate.), he does his “smash!” routine.
So on the Fourth I took him to the pool to try and show him the difference between The Hulk and Aquaman. One yells and smashes, the other doesn’t do much but swim and splash.
Here are the results:
It was a lot of fun but I don’t know if it worked. There was just no way he could say “smash!” while laughing so hard.
Hope you had a great Independence Day!