Ten Ways Having a Toddler is Like Being in Prison

8 Aug
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As a parent, your schedule is often dictated by the needs of your child, especially when that child is young.

The necessity of getting a toddler home for a nap – as well as the need to get them to bed for the night before the sun has even gone down – can cripple your day. Being sequestered in your home for a few hours is usually better than dealing with a public meltdown from an overtired toddler, so sometimes the trade-off is worth it. Still, raising a toddler can be rather suffocating.

In fact, it’s uncanny how many aspects of the parenting experience are reminiscent of prison. Complete with a sadistic little warden who harbors a Napoleon complex.

Ten Ways Having a Toddler is Like Being in Prison

  • You can’t do anything without constant supervision
  • Every morning begins with someone screaming at you to wake up
  • You’re always terrified something bad will happen when you’re in the shower
  • You’re always terrified someone is going to crawl into your bed in the middle of the night
  • Meal time is fraught with tension
  • Someone’s always watching you go to the bathroom
  • You never get to choose the movie and then it’s hard to hear it over all the hooting and hollering
  • You’re always terrified someone is going to punch, bite, tackle, stab or attack you with some kind of makeshift weapon
  • Contraband – like booze, chocolate and adult entertainment – must be smuggled in and consumed in secret
  • Conjugal visits are hard to come by, require intense scheduling, and are often interrupted

BONUS: One Way Having a Toddler is NOT Like Being in Prison

  • Being placed in solitary confinement is a reward, not a punishment

The biggest similarity between prison and parenting? There is NO ESCAPE. In fact, you often crawl through miles of shit-smelling foulness without any payoff at all.

And parole ain’t for 18 years.

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25 Responses to “Ten Ways Having a Toddler is Like Being in Prison”

  1. Hayley from Love Art Baby August 8, 2013 at 11:45 am #

    Laughing my ass off over here as a mother of a toddler. Great post!

  2. Dustin Fisher August 8, 2013 at 12:00 pm #

    Not to mention that you have a bunkmate who wants to have sex with you and/or kill you and you’re never sure which.

  3. Heather August 8, 2013 at 12:45 pm #

    Love this! My husband and I have always referred to having an infant/toddler as baby jail for all the reasons as states above. Great blog!

  4. A Pleasant House August 8, 2013 at 5:23 pm #

    Oh no. It’s not over at 18. You have to be dead for it to be over.

  5. Christopher Neal August 8, 2013 at 9:21 pm #

    Truer words have rarely been written

  6. Crazy mommy August 9, 2013 at 1:53 am #

    This is fantastic!! The best part of all is we chose this life! But I wouldn’t change it. Baby jail can be fun.

  7. Bodysoluble August 20, 2013 at 6:17 am #

    Frighteningly accurate. Except: you really, really love the warden. Maybe that’s just Stockholm Syndrome.

  8. Tamara August 20, 2013 at 9:18 am #

    This is spot on! I hope you don’t mind, but I reblogged this over at http://mainelysane.wordpress.com. My husband and I have been feeling like prisoners lately and it’s nice to know we’re not alone.

  9. Joan Bennett August 20, 2013 at 10:43 pm #

    All I hear is parents complaining about being parents. Did you not know any of these things before you had kids?

  10. Melissa August 21, 2013 at 10:53 am #

    Omg I haven’t laughed so hard in a looooong time.

  11. Maggie August 21, 2013 at 11:27 am #

    Thank you for the laugh. It almost makes me appreciate the independence that teenagers give me.

  12. Gabe August 22, 2013 at 1:41 pm #

    I think of myself more like a slave. The same top ten plus some 😉

  13. Alan Smith September 9, 2013 at 7:30 am #

    So why did you have the kid, if it’s so unpleasant. Didn’t you ever find out what causes babies?

    • Terri August 26, 2014 at 4:29 pm #

      Where did you lose your sense of humour? Look around for it, you’re missing out!

  14. Krystal September 9, 2013 at 3:53 pm #

    I don’t get it. If you felt this way about children, then why have them?

    • Stephanie October 5, 2013 at 4:24 pm #

      It’s called having a sense of humor

  15. Stephanie October 5, 2013 at 4:24 pm #

    Good Lord if you can’t find the humor in this article why are you even reading this blog/article?

    Seriously. Go somewhere else Debbie Downers

  16. vinyl sticker printing October 10, 2013 at 5:34 pm #

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  17. Ashley October 13, 2013 at 5:38 am #

    Well Shared.

  18. jp June 3, 2014 at 8:16 am #

    Brilliant. Absolutely loved it and my wife and I just found your blog today and have been snorting with laughter.

  19. Drama Queen's Momma August 10, 2014 at 9:58 pm #

    18 years….OR LONGER! Yikes!! I loved this post! It hit waaaaay too close to home, and I don’t even have a TODDLER anymore! Uh oh! I am doomed.

    Thanks for linking up at #BlogDiggity today! I hope to see you back again next week!

  20. Thriller Mom August 11, 2014 at 7:54 am #

    You really summed up that “trapped” feeling! Such a humorous post and if someone doesn’t get that, they must be having REAL prison flashbacks! Geez! I enjoyed this read! Thanks for linking up with Blogdiggity!

  21. Twisted Mommy September 25, 2014 at 12:31 pm #

    This! Soooo this! I am a single mom to a 3 year old and I found this hilarious! I’ve shared it with my Facebook community!

  22. ben May 21, 2015 at 10:19 pm #

    Try having twins.

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