For the third week this month, Mom and Buried is traveling and I’m on my own with my kid.
DON’T PANIC. We’re okay.
Sure, maybe the first time my wife went away I was all: what am I gonna do? But several weeks in and now I’m all: ain’t no thing but a chicken wing on a string. I’m a real-life dad, not a Seth Macfarlane character; I can handle it. Newsflash: it’s parenting, not the Thunderdome, and dads can do it just as well as moms.
I’d even venture to say we do it better.
It’s time to end the parenting wars.
You know what I mean: Moms hate dads because we are incompetent nincompoops who just want to be “the cool parent” and are reckless and irresponsible with their kids. Dads hate moms because they get all the credit and everyone grants them a free pass and general parenting superiority that’s based almost entirely on biology and outdated stereotypes. Non-parents hate all of us because who gives a shit? And they’re right about that: these arguments are tiresome and pointless, and not only to people who don’t care about arguments that only occur on blogs and in Facebook groups.
I’m declaring a cease-fire… after one last salvo: Moms are overrated.
After experiencing a few weeks of macho bliss with my nearly four-year-old (I could also say “nacho bliss” because we’ve pretty much eaten nothing else!), I’ve become convinced moms aren’t necessary. I mean, we both like having one around, but there’s nothing Detective Munch and I can’t handle without her, even if washing my son’s penis does get a little weird for the both of us.
The fact is, moms simply no longer corner the market on raising children. It’s time they admitted as much and took their superiority down a notch. I’m no good at math, but I’m pretty sure dads are one of the two kinds of parents, which means we’re also one of the two best (*high-five*). We should be focusing on how we complement each other, not which one’s superior. Even though dads totally are.
Everyone mocks us for being incapable buffoons, and that’s cool; as the saying goes, any fool with a dick can make a baby. I don’t take offense. But no one mocks moms that way, even though it’s equally true (so long as you change the terminology a bit). Unless she’s a straight-up criminal, it’s usually assumed that a kid is better off with his single mom than with his single dad, purely because she’s a mom. That’s crazy talk and it’s got to stop. Especially since dads are becoming the only parent that matters, if only because we know how to work the remote and reset our email passwords.
Speaking of technology… thanks to its recent and ongoing advances, we are now able to replicate nearly all facets of the mom-experience without moms. Think about it: what can moms do that can’t be accomplished some other way?
Give Birth? Any woman can do this, whether she’s maternally-inclined or not, and when she’s finished she can hand the baby to whoever it’s contracted to and go back to work and break the glass ceiling and shit.
Breastfeed? It’s called formula, Einstein, and dads are just as capable of holding a bottle, probably even more so because MUSCLES. According to the internet, formula either just as good as breast milk or I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU IF YOU EVEN VAGUELY IMPLY SUCH A THING!
Babysit? I have these two friends, Netflix and iPad. MAYBE YOU’VE HEARD OF THEM? (If not, they’re really cool, and have lots of educational qualities. Google them!)
Kiss Boo-boos? Dads can do this too, eventually, after we finish our beer. Then, after we yell at the kid to toughen up and stop acting like a wuss, we can also dry their tears and hopefully get them to stop screaming for Mommy.
Teach Values? Tonight I’m going to show Fight Club to my son and not bother explaining the irony because he wouldn’t understand anyway. I just want him to think peeing in soup is bad-ass. What the fuck does The Notebook teach? (Honest question. I’ve never seen it.)
See? Moms are easily replaceable in all aspects of the parenting process. But good luck finding a non-dad who can teach you to knot a tie, or throw a football, or how to grill a motherfucking steak. NOT HAPPENING, LADIES.
Gotta disagree (but maybe I’ll give The Notebook a try.) Dads are no more prone to parenting mistakes than anyone else, moms included, and if you women don’t realize that, why did you marry one? As for the so-called coldness of technology, most of us currently get more validation and companionship from our phones than from our parents anyway, and our kids will be no different. It’s time we stop resisting and just accept that the these devices have earned a role in the parenting process. Besides, they’re filling a necessary gap.
What gap, you ask?
Remember the proverbial “village” that older generations used to count on for help with their kids? It ain’t helping so much these days, not unless you consider someone having you arrested and/or getting you fired because you let your kid play unsupervised “helpful”. The village simply doesn’t exist anymore (unless you count the village in “The Simpsons: Tapped Out” you can play on your iPhone), and that’s fine with me. Its evolving ineffectiveness coincides perfectly with its growing obsolescence.
Just like moms. Sorry, but we don’t need you anymore. (At least not until we can’t find our socks. I was literally just wearing them!)
Anything you can do, we – dads; technology; that kid down the street who will accept less than $12 an hour to babysit because I am NOT paying $15, I don’t care if she knows CPR! – can do better. Or equally as well. At the very least, adequately enough that it’s time for moms to concede these parenting wars and move on with your lives. The Day of the Dad has arrived.
Unfortunately, it probably won’t last long. For one thing, football season is around the corner and while I can’t speak for the other dads I am totally checking out.
For another, what with the imminent collapse of civilization and the inevitable singularity, no parents will be needed. So maybe we should let this nonsense go and raise our kids as best we can, as partners and allies, until it all comes crashing down. After all, it’s not like making parenting a competition is helping anyone. I don’t think either side would prefer the other didn’t exist, except maybe Jon Gosselin.
Plus, the dissension stupid posts like this one sows is exactly what our children want, to keep us distracted so they can recreate a parentless utopia, like in “The Lord of the Flies” (kids are so stupid). And whether you’re a mom or a dad, we can all agree that our kids are the last people we want to win.