Fair Comparisons

If you’ve spent anytime on my blog, you probably know I’m no stranger to a good list.

I have written a lot of them, and almost all of them are collections of hilarious AND TRUE ways that children or parenting (or writing lists!) is/are like other things, like prison or homeless people (or writing lists!).

Comparing children to non-children things is a popular pastime, and an easy way to both let off steam and give non-parents an idea of what the child-rearing experience is like. Most of the time the comparisons are extreme, because everyone knows exaggeration is the absolute funniest thing in the history of the universe. But they all have a kernel of truth.

So which are the funniest and most fair comparisons? I’m glad you asked.

Funniest Things We Compare Children To

  • Pets – Lots of parents hate it when you compare kids to the family pet. In almost every case, it’s the dog. No one compares kids to cats, probably because cats are so much smarter than toddlers and also they don’t drool. I think the comparison is pretty apt. But it definitely stops being funny when your kid shits in the back hall. ACCURACY: 7 out of 10 terrifying bites
  • Fraternity Bros/College Kids/Rock Stars – Because they’re messy and often seem drunk. I’m not the first to compare kids to one of these things and I won’t be the last! ACCURACY: 8 out of 10 terrifying mystery stains
  • Politicians – The funniness here depends on who comes to mind when you’re thinking about politicians. Comparing your kid to Donald Trump (should we really consider him a politician? I feel like he’s just a rich asshole. What I’m saying is yes, we should.) is hilarious because of the crazy hair and the oh-so-delightful misogyny. Comparing your kid to, say, Vladimir Putin? A little less funny. ACCURACY: 3 out of 10 depressing thoughts about the future of our country
  • Your Boss – This one actually just makes me sad. Because he is my boss. And no matter how badly I screw up, he refuses to fire me. ACCURACY: 10 out of 10 hours of overtime
  • Crazy People/Drug Addicts – It’s funny because it’s true. Kids ARE crazy. Their mix of apathy, ignorance, recklessness, and unbridled, controllable emotions makes them seem like they’re constantly off their meds. Or on the wrong meds. And all it does is make you wish you had some meds. ACCURACY: 9 out of 10 nonsensical conversations
  • Vegetables – You know how during pregnancy, as Mommy gets bigger and bigger, your kid is constantly being compared to different fruits and vegetables? That’s not that funny. My son is NOT a turnip. But when your kid is a teenager who only sits on the couch and speaks in mono-syllabic grunts? LAUGH RIOT. (See also: zombies.) ACCURACY: 2 out of 10 grunts
  • Inmates – Not everybody thinks it’s funny when you compare parenthood to prison, but I sure do! ACCURACY: 7 out of 10 makeshift shivs
  • Gremlins – This was probably funnier in like 1988 but come on, kids do have a tendency to go from cute and cuddly to scary and satanic at the drop of a hat, especially after midnight. See also: demons/devils, monsters. ACCURACY: 6 out of 10 ill-advised late-night feedings
  • Soul-Sucking Life Destroyers I admit, this one’s not really “haha” funny.
  • ACCURACY: Either 0 or 10 out of 10 wrinkles and gray hairs, depending on the day.

BONUS!

  • Least Funny Comparisons – angels (hahaha), superstar athletes (stop), miniature versions of yourself (this often isn’t a good thing), geniuses (ugh), royalty (NO)

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