How To Use Your Kids To Win Valentine’s Day

How To Use Your Kids To Win Valentine’s Day

The other day, my wife told Detective Munch that he was her favorite person on earth. I was sitting RIGHT THERE.

I get it; it comes with the parenting territory. He’s my favorite person too, give or take his baby brother. But it can be a little frustrating when your spouse prefers to spend more time with your kids than with you, but that’s not all bad either. In fact, I realized shortly after Mom and Buried so brazenly announced her preference in my presence that my son is actually doing me a favor.

Thanks to him, I‘m feeling a lot less pressure! Especially when it comes to holidays like Valentine’s Day. Kids can sometimes put a damper on romance, but I’ve discovered how to use them to my advantage!

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The Bedtime Battle

The Bedtime Battle

No kid likes going to bed.

My 6-year-old could be in the middle of getting waterboarded and he’d rather stick that out than have to brush his teeth and go to his room. As such, he’s become a master at putting it off, and at turning every bedtime into a battle.

Every night, when bedtime approaches, he suddenly becomes possessed with the need to do things. Anything. EVERYTHING.

Unfortunately, this includes making Daddy angry.

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Come On, Admit Your Kid Sucks

Come On, Admit Your Kid Sucks

I’m not one to mince words or make excuses. I never have been, and that didn’t change when I became a parent.

This is why I often find it irritating to hear all the ways other parents try to avoid blaming their kids for bad behavior. This is aside from the fact that most other parents, and other parents’ children, are irritating to begin with! (No offense. I barely like myself as a parent. Parenting’s not really a good look on anyone.)

Just go ahead and admit your kid sucks sometimes.

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Breakfast Bonding

Breakfast Bonding

What is it with children and Cheerios?

My 6-year-old eats them, my baby attempts to eat them, they both spill them and play with them and throw them around. Meanwhile, my cupboard is full of them, my floor is littered with them, the backseat of my car is covered in them, and I’m constantly stepping on them.

I bet you are too. Because when you have kids, you have Cheerios. There’s no way around it.

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Honesty Is The Best Policy (For Women)

Honesty Is The Best Policy (For Women)


When your wife asks you how she looks, you must do the following:

1. Look her over

2. Look her over for a reasonable enough amount of time that your answer is credible

3. Don’t look her over for so long as to imply untoward scrutiny or the existence of flaws heretofore unseen and/or altogether nonexistent

4. Tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth

5. But don’t say anything except “You look great!”

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