Listen up: it’s time to get educated.

I’ve been a proud papa for just under a week now and I’ve already learned a few things about babies. A few valuable things that I think might come in handy for those of you out there who are considering purchasing a new child. Trust me, dealing with an infant is no easy task, but with the insights I’ve gleaned – and will continue to glean as I mold my son into the Greatest Of All Time – I can help make things just a little bit easier for new parents.

Coming up after the jump, my top five insights into about babies and how they work. Here’s a quick tease to whet your appetite: Babies smell like Cheerios. Or feces. Depends on what time it is.

Also, as a bonus to my loyal readers, I’ve included a picture of my son at the bottom of the post!

Insight #1: Sleep

Babies love to sleep. In fact, they do it all day long. But one little known fact? Every now and again, babies choose not to sleep! Ironically, this is usually at night. Is there anything you can do about this? No. But I can tell you why it happens: Your child hates you.

Insight #2: Brains

Babies are dumb as rocks. They can’t even fucking talk. No, I’m not joking.

EDIT: Upon review, I have to take that back:

CORRECTION – Insight #2: Brains

Babies aren’t stupid. They’re crafty. They plot. They bide their time. They attack with screams just when you’re at your wit’s end with exhaustion. They spray you with urine right when you pull off their diaper. They wait until you have just fastened their new diaper before they soil themselves. They slowly drain your bank account, your social skills and your will to live. They are diabolical and, again, they HATE you.

Insight #3: Going to the Bathroom

As stated above, contrary to popular belief, babies aren’t stupid. But they are lazy. To wit: they’d prefer to wallow in their own waste than simply crawl to the john. Plus, the little masterminds get the added bonus of forcing you to wipe their asses. Whenever they can, they grab the upper hand.

Insight #4: Looks

There are two settings for babies: ugly and cute. In the future, things get more gray, but for the first 16-36 months, you’ve either got yourself a bub or a looker. But don’t worry – just because I have the best looking baby in the world doesn’t mean yours is going to cause blindness. Just wait it out. And if he stays ugly, pray he’s got a huge hog.

Insight #5: Crying

Babies are fucking LOUD. Seriously. Need a quick fix? Just shove something in his mouth. I use a ball-gag. Does the trick nicely, makes him look like a stuck pig, and sets him up for a lifetime of interesting encounters with bizarre, sexy people.

Well, there you have it: A week in and things are pretty much handled. None of this is exactly scientific but it is irrefutable.

Now, as promised, here’s a look at my new baby boy!