I went into parenting unsure about everything; I didn’t even know if I’d like having a kid! Especially since before I had my kid, I hated kids. Obviously, I mostly hated Other People’s Kids, and always assumed that when I had one of my own I’d be okay with him. But I couldn’t really know, not until I met the guy.
As luck would have it, whether by biology or nature or something L. Ron Hubbard wrote about, I do like my kid. I mean, obviously I love my kids, but I like them too. Which is huge. But that circumstance hasn’t changed my opinion on other kids. If anything, it’s made it worse, since now they are being compared to the Platonic Ideal of Offspring that are my sons. And they don’t measure up.
Also, now that I’m a dad and I know a lot more parents than I used to, I hate them even more than I hate their kids.
For one thing, they let their kids rule their lives, which… is actually somewhat understandable. Because as much as being a parent can suck sometimes, there’s never any doubt that your kids are the best thing that’s ever happened to you, even when they’re acting like the worst thing that’s ever happened to you. And your priorities shift to accommodate that fact.
Unfortunately, some parents take their slavish devotion to their kids too far. Mom and Buried and I were wary of that, so before she got pregnant, we made a deal that we wouldn’t become like those friends we’d seen fade from our lives once they had their kids. We decided we would do our best to continue to live our lives the same way we always had, even with a baby in tow. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s been doable. Of course, for most of our run, we had only one kid, so I might be talking out of my ass. (I can now confirm, after five years with two kids, I kind of was.)
Which is the other thing I hate about so many parents. I am talking out of my ass, and I know this. Because no one knows what they are doing. Except, if you were to believe them, those hateful parents I like to refer to as “Other Parents.” Other Parents are those parents that act like they’ve cracked the secret child-rearing code. Like they are experts.
Sorry, but with all due respect to Dr. Spock and Dr. Phil and etc.: there is no such thing as a parenting expert.
A.P.P. = Anti-parenting Parenting
I believe everyone needs to know that. So I started Dad and Buried as a place where I could chronicle my journey into fatherhood while attempting to maintain my pre-fatherhood identity, and it has since evolved into the Anti-Parenting – and Anti-Parent – Parenting blog, for two reasons:
1) Parenting is a drag, even when you love your kid. Hell, that may be even worse than having a kid you don’t give a shit about. At least then, whatever happens, happens. No parenting required! But with a kid you love, you are responsible for his well-being and his education and his development into something-other-than-a-total-asshole. And that is hard, grueling work that requires a healthy amount of ridicule or it will drive you insane.
2) Other Parents are the worst. They never tire of judgment. They judge you, they judge your spouse, they judge your kids; only they know the secret to perfect parenting. Well, on Dad and Buried (and in Soviet Russia!), I judge them. WITH PREJUDICE. And a healthy amount of swearing.
Be warned: this blog is not a manual, or a guide, or a rule book. Hopefully, at its best, it’s a life raft.
It’s a place where I can bitch about my life as a dad, about my annoying sons, and about all those Other Parents who act like they know better than everyone else.
Because they don’t know shit. Neither do you. And neither do I!
But that’s what makes this blog different from other parenting blogs: I don’t pretend to.
31 thoughts on “You Down With A.P.P.?”
I’ll give myself an 8. I’m not a peerfct parent by all means. There is always room for improvement.My husband and I try to instill our beliefs into our children, and we are raising them in similar ways as our own parents raised us, however, not completely. What worked for them may not be working for us, so there are some changes here and there.
When it comes to appraising the efforts of a parent, it is always done by the child. You can’t be the one to rate yourselves. You have to wait till your child grows up and is able to answer it himself. Caring for your child unconditionally while instilling strong ethical and moral values, if the best a parent can do. The rest time will tell.
Although I can can honestly tell you that In this world of greed, if you are able to bring your child up to be caring and respectful of everyone. You have done a wonderful service to society.
I love your blog. I am a mommy to a one year old and I love the that you are being real. Parenthood is NOT a walk in the park and most parents I’ve been meeting act like they have it down pat.
Here’s to being real my friend!
Simply brilliant!! Laughed my arse off reading this!! Outstanding work mate
For someone who knows all the cons of parenting, why did you even have a child? As much as you claim to “like” and “love” him, you sound like you’re trying to convince yourself more than us that you “enjoy” being a parent. This blog alone screams “I’m miserable and trapped in a sexless marriage with an offspring”. Have a good life, lol. People like you make me extremely thankful I can’t procreate since I’m a lesbian lol late nights and hot girls for me, old hag and child who treats you like an ATM for you 🙂
While you might think your judgement is valid about the author. You are forgetting that your response here also tell people about you. Your cool attitude and judgmental attitude only reflects a resentment about the life you expected to live as a child.
Additionally since this is a blog about parent and child, I implore you to think what kind of a parent would you become if you ever did? Would you make the same mistakes your parents made? and would your child also at some point dish out unresolved feelings at someone else for an attempt to express?
Laughing: I’m extremely thankful you can’t procreat, too. lol
I enjoy your outlook on parenting… I’ve often found myself wondering how people become “parenting experts” since every child is different. Thanks for the laugh!
The last thing this world needs is more humans. Unless you are certain and have known forever that you want kids, then my advice is DONT!!!! It’s hell. It’s boring. It’s disappointing, annoying, stressful, depressing, and hideously expensive. If someone said I’m going to bring my disabled gran round for you to care for 24-7, so you’re gonna need to get lots of supplies and special equipment, convert your house, and cancel all plans for the next 20 years, you’d probably decline their kind offer. Trouble is we all fantasise about the great FANTASY kids we’re gonna have, and how we’re going to love them so much we won’t resent all the sacrifices we are going to have to make.
Don’t slice your precious life up and lay it on the sacrificial altar of parenthood! There’s no need. Enjoy and wallow in your freedom x
You seem to be talking out of some experience and possible in my opinion quite little of it. Sure the initial year of rearing a child if like excruciatingly tiring and indeed the world doesn’t need more humans.
But I’m certain you haven’t seen your child make you proud by doing something you taught him.
I’m a believer that people should only have children if they truly believe they can take care of them. Taking care is a very deep concept. Your simple action of having a child will affect others in society. Your child could be a miracle live-saver for our community or a disaster, many worse a wasted resource. You as a parent are the instructor, guide and nurturer. Can you live up to it?
No task in the world is easy and if it is, you’re probably doing it wrong. Raising a child is similar. There will be tough times and there will be a short and sweet times as well. Make a rational decision and think about the child, before having one. Not his pretty eyes or small hands. They will grow. Look at the people around you. If you think you can raise another just like that well, then probably don’t. Can you do better?
Most of all, Naive as hell, is the apt name chosen by this responder, for it certaily reflects his/her own understanding. Parenthood is a unconditional job. You shouldn’t be expecting returns for your sacrifices. You should be honest to admit that you took those decisions as an adult. The child is not to be blamed. Though I would like to mention, sometimes, what you get in return is far more than you could have expected.
I stumbled upon your blog. I basically feel like you are actually me, or I am actually you. Whatever. You have personified so many feelings that I have had while venturing into parenting and have helped me realize what I have been experiencing, without actually knowing it. Until now.
The most difficult thing about parenting: the lack of recovery time. Wow. Yes.
Parenting is a drag, especially if you care about your kid. Wow. Yes.
I’ll continue reading and also checking your zombie posts too.
Ah man you stole my idea! I was going to create a blog and bitch about parenting too.
list my post somewhere between here email and twitter long story short raised three kids. Girl comes home prego leaves lser baby 1 mo. she’s prego with twins better dad she leaves him. her boy friend now a thug who lives with mommy. when is it ok to say hey hoe stop and think..grandma is not 8 arm godess. watching 1st. down with it. watching three darn near impossible
Patti, what you are doing it commendable. It takes a lot of courage and I would like you to know that. Also I want you to know that these trying times should be looked at as an opportunity. You can significantly change the lives of these children. The childhood they will get will be unlike many others and often great individual arise from trying times.
Build your personality and instill your courage in them.
Help them learn to cooperate, value teamwork and manage conflicts. They will certainly grow up to be wonderful people who will be able to help our society grow from these difficult times.
I know you you must already be doing a lot and I hate to ask more of you but in my experiences I have noticed that when things get really difficult and we have done all that we can, sometimes the universe helps us out. So It is with this faith that I ask you, to give each child some individual guidance as well to develop each ones innate abilities. Talk to them and try to give a few minutes to each one, separate from the others.
Train them as a group to respect each others individual time.
I wish you all the best in your life. And give me regards to the kids too!
I like your humour and honesty! Thanks for sharing bits and bobs of your life,
I needed to read this. I am not going insane on my own, we’re all going down together ! 🙂
I love your writing. What the critics don’t understand is that you write the truth, from an emotional place. The fact that you give-form to things which are present in everyone, but simply under their radars, does not mean that you are a worser person, than they are! Your critics are vain enough to believe it does! I find your style super-refreshing, and hilarious. Thank you!
I am amazed at the stupidity of those who bitch about your site. How in the hell would they think that only ONE blogger in the world has the right to blog about parenting? I read a TON of blogs but I love to laugh. Dad and Buried makes me laugh. The Bloggess makes me laugh, Jeff and Jill makes me laugh. If I’m laughing I don’t care what I’m reading about. And, kids ARE fucking annoying. IF you’re a parent and your kids do not annoy you, please pass whatever drug you’re doing to the rest of us and then, FUCK OFF because YOU. ARE. NOT. FUNNY.
Dad, you just keep doing your thing!
I am a 74 yr old great-grandmother. I appreciate your feelings, candor, humor. I am forwarding this column to my grandsons. May they find something useful, hopeful, just “Oh, my God, I am not crazy or a bad parent. There are others that feel the same way as I sometimes do.” Bless you and your family. Carry on with your words. They do help.
just want to subscribe!
Hello, how can I subscribe? Thank you. Sounds interesting and funny!
Hi – there should be a subscription box in the right sidebar!
I love your blog and you are awesome .I thought I was the only one. Like how horrible a parent I must be to not be a devoted slave to my child. I just figure eventually they ARE going to grow up and become their own person, if I become a slabe to them what becomes of me once they are grown up? But sometimes I’d think this was just an excuse I was telling myself to make me feel better about not loving my kid as much s they appear to ……. Which I love my kids more than life itself but I dont act like I’ve never seen a human child before thats so annoying …. Just nice to know I’m not alone on that lol.
Great job! Check out this site when you get sick of the everyone having their feelings hurt.
This blog was a LIFE SAVER; here I am, feeling totally alone in the world (well not really, got my wife and baby daughter) from having to work triple shift in LIFE to keep my precious little shit (that’s my nickname for my wee one) alive and relatively trauma free till they’re out of the damn house. Love your insights and unfiltered feelings about the reality of this parenting business. Agree 1,000,000% about those parents that always smile and ravish without having a shred of complaint regarding their kids and upbringing, fucking liars. =D
I just found this blog today andI love it! I have one wonderful daughter who just turned 18. 18 years old, not months! lol. For me, I look forward to thoroughly reading this blog as a kind of PTSD therapy for having been a parent for almost 20 years, And only now just finding out that sometimes other people’s kids say I hate you to their parents also. Thank you dad and Buried.com, it’s never too late to laugh.
Your post on your kids falling off beds on ScaryMommy just saved the rest of my vacation…I’m eternally grateful. Will have a Guinness in your honor tonight.
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