Parents Are The Worst

Parents are the worst. Actually, politicians are probably the worst. And other people’s kids suck pretty bad too. And Nazis.

In fact, I changed my mind. I’m going to go out on a limb and say the Nazis are really the worst.

But parents still suck pretty bad. I knew it before I had a kid and it’s become even more apparent since I’ve joined their ranks.

Here are some of the reasons why.

Eleven Reasons Parents Are The Worst

  1. Their kids
  2. Their constant complaining about their ungrateful, undisciplined, un-sleeping, whiny, tantrum-throwing kids
  3. Their constant bragging about their incredibly smart kids, or incredibly athletic kids, or incredibly cute kids. Guess what? I was smart and athletic and cute once too. Then I hit puberty.
  4. Their constant posting on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter and Pinterest about their kids. There’s a reason I avoid you in real life, stop making me avoid you in fake life too.
  5. The griping about how expensive babysitters are. You know what’s not expensive? CONDOMS.
  6. The constant discussions about children’s TV and music and movies and books. I used to watch that junk too, when I was in college (read: wasted), but I didn’t hold nonstop conversations about it. At least not conversations I can remember. I wish I couldn’t remember the last time you brought up how much you hate “Caillou”.
  7. We get it: you’re tired. News flash: Everyone’s tired. It’s called Five-Hour Energy. Quit being a martyr.
  8. Their breathless worrying about video games and social media and twerking and sex and violence and alcohol and concussions and peanut allergies and we’re out of hand sanitizer! I heard about this crazy thing the other day, it’s called 200,000 YEARS OF HUMAN SURVIVAL. So take it down a notch, Chicken Little. Your kids will be fine.
  9. Their tax break
  10. “I can’t! I have to: pick up my kid/hang out with my kid/read to my kid/feed my kid/not drink because of my kid/pretend I care all bout my kid’s recital or baseball game or doctors appointment/use my kid as an excuse to not have fun because I’m super lame now.”
  11. “I can never go to the movies! Waaaah!” You know who can go to the movies? CONDOMS.

Bonus: Their ridiculous, obnoxious, self-righteous, totally unsupportable belief that they’re a better parent than you.
Double Bonus: Every single thing on this site.

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16 thoughts on “Parents Are The Worst

  1. word. i am always aware of, or even self-conscious about, how we in the Parent Club can be insufferable but then i remind myself of those on my Newsfeed who post selfies constantly, saying they were just told they look like some celeb they look NOTHING like…or someone who posts way more pics of their cats than i ever do of my kiddos…and then i feel better. and i disagree about EVERYONE being tired bc my FB friends are some leisure-time having mofos. i think we cool as long as we don’t post our chil’ren’s daily food intake…uh, yes, daily…as i see that on my Newsfeed, too. peace.

  2. Oops, I signed in using my first name instead of my blogging name. Just wrote a post about kiddie birthday parties. I used to scoff at them, “Gawd, American kids these days. Spoiled enough?!” until we outgrew our tiny NYC apartment and realized if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em…

  3. No, no, the WORST is when they ruin what were either awesome live action (ie people in suits) or claymation shows, or even hand drawn cartoons by hiring inferior CG artists, dumbing the storyline down to pre-conception levels of intelligence and then airing that instead of being sensible and using reruns of decent versions.

    I’ve been sad ever since becoming a parent that all my favourite kids shows are ruined. Examples include Fireman Sam, Postman Pat, and Thomas the Tank Engine.

    Caillou in comparison is merely mildly annoying.

    1. I don’t know about the other shows you mentioned, but the new Thomas does not seem like much of a downgrade from old school Thomas. Sure, I like the little models and the puffs of smoke in the old one, but it’s pretty odd that there is not a lot of actual movement happening in the frames. Giving the people and trains actual expressionistic abilities was an upgrade. Unless there’s a middle ground version somewhere that had actual claymation?

      The writing in that show has never been stellar (just do as you’re told, trains) but I don’t see how it’s gotten any worse in the new iterations.

      The real abomination is Chuggington.

  4. Also bonus points for the STFU Parents link.

    Extra bonus: I came across from Mommyish. I may stick around for a while 😉

  5. I stumbled across your blog tonight and I’m hooked. I have some friends who are new parents, and your list sure sums it up. I love my friends, but I HATE them as parents. ALL conversations revolve around tiredness and how their kid doesn’t ever sleep. You ask them to go to a movie or out for coffee, and you have to suffer through 10 minutes of them explaining why they can only go at certain times (after bath time, after bedtime, but before the kid wakes up 2 hours after they are put to bed), and then once you DO get out it’s just non-stop talking about how smart their child is. Can’t we just talk about celebrity gossip or, I dunno, world news? God.

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