Top 10 Reasons Why I Hate My Son

Having kids is not all it’s cracked up to be.

For one thing, you have a tiny human being in your house. This is almost as bizarre as having an animal in your house, but at least animals have fur.

All my son has is tons and tons of drool.

crying it out, dad and buried, sleep, tired, cry it out, parenting, funny, humor, mike julianelle, fatherhood, dads, moms, mommy bloggers, dad bloggersFor the most part it’s fun to have him around, except of course for the drain on my finances, the stress on my marriage, the elimination of my social life, the inability to sleep, the constant threat of fecal explosion, etc. It’s actually very much like running a farm; at the beginning there was even some milking!

I know this is old news; everyone already knows that kids are a drag. But not all kids are a drag in the same ways.

Here then, is a list of things I hate about my son*, and my son only.

Top Ten Reasons Why I Hate My Son

1 – He makes everything more important
Work, money, food, health, free time. Everything means more now. I need to work harder to make more money to buy more food. More expensive, healthy food that won’t make him get fat and get diabetes. I have to eat healthier too, and I have to exercise so I don’t get fat and have a heart attack. Free time is no longer free, it’s time to spend with him, and I need more of it because he needs more of me, and I can’t go to the movies or to the bar because he can’t come, and I can’t watch the stuff I want to watch when he’s around because it might make him kill people so I have to make sure he watches the proper stuff which just gives me a headache and I can’t let him watch too much because he has to go outside and oh my god there’s just so much to think about get out of my head, SCHWARTZ!

2 – He’s better looking than me
Which is funny, because everyone tells me how much we look alike. But it’s clear he blows me away, just by virtue of being younger and not having bags under his eyes or a scowl on his face. I’ve never in my life gotten as many compliments as this kid. I mean, the dude’s a chick magnet, and it’s a lot of fun to get all this attention from the ladies, but not that fun since I’m married and he’s a long way from puberty so what does he care? It’s like having a superpower you can’t even use! I feel like Mr. Incredible, just during the part when he’s fat and hates his life.

3 – My wife likes him more than me
Every husband knows this is true. Ask Oedipus.

4 – He reminds me of my mortality
Everyone tells you that having a kid around teaches you to see old things as new again; reinvigorates your perspective on life; let’s you experience things through a child’s eyes. All it has taught me is that I’ve wasted my life and I’m 35 going on 60 and apparently that’s gonna happen in the blink of an eye since having kids somehow accelerates time, according to every single parent I’ve ever met. Great. So I’m old, and I’m getting older, and he’s in my face with his wasted, idiotic youth all the time, AND soon he’ll be 25 and I’ll be dead. Parenting!

5 – My parents like him more than me
He’s their only grandson and they don’t remember what he was like as a teenager because he’s only two. I, on the other hand, revert to being a teenager with every visit home. Advantage: grandson.

6 – He gets terrible music stuck in my head
I defy you to not be humming this song all day long:

And then there’s “Yo Gabba Gabba!” At first you’re like, oh, a hipster show for kids, maybe the music will be tolerable! And then you can’t stop singing “Try it! You’ll like it! TRY IT AND YOU’LL LIKE IT!” to yourself over and over and over and over. I don’t blame the shows themselves; they are what they are. I blame my son. He did this to me. Thankfully I got a little payback – he’s been humming “Call Me Maybe” for weeks. REVENGE.

7 – Everyone likes him more than me
Honestly, this kid is a charmer. It’s gross. He has more social skills than I’ve ever had. I can barely go two minutes without insulting someone, this kid has gang members blowing kisses on the F train. The last time I blew a kiss at a gang member, well… let’s just say I’m lucky I was still able to have a kid.

8 – He makes drinking/being hungover/going to the movies/going to dinner/sleeping everything harder
He makes every adult-based and/or private and/or quiet activity harder. I can’t get drunk when he’s around, and even when he’s not around, he will be the next morning, when the cure for a hangover is NOT his Elmo guitar in my face. I can’t sleep late when he’s around alive. I can’t go to the movies or dinner with him, which means I need a babysitter, and last week we scared off our best one when we came home too drunk. He just makes life harder. More rewarding? More meaningful? Sure, whatever. I just want to get hammered in peace. Is that a crime?

9 – I like him more than me
He’s a better person. It’s just a fact. Even though he’s still stained with Original Sin! BETTER PERSON THAN ME.

10 – He makes everything less important
Who gives a shit about going to the movies or watching “Breaking Bad”? I could sit and stare at my son all night long and that would be entertainment enough. I mean, ALL HE DOES is fall on his face. It’s hilarious. He has 100% ruined my life, yes, but that was my old life and this is my new one (a fact that is both pathetic and, frankly, kind of necessary). He is my new one. I honestly couldn’t care less about myself anymore. Like I said above, he’s Me 2.0 and he’s better in every. Single. Way. Which makes me have to try and be better too.

Which, in all honesty, is a major pain in the ass.

*Fine. Maybe it should be “Top 10 Reasons Why I ‘Hate’ My Son”

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58 thoughts on “Top 10 Reasons Why I Hate My Son

  1. Awesome sauce. I laughed all the way through (out loud, in public), and even teared up when I read number 10. Granted, I’m pregnant and hormonal… Both hilarious and touching. My favourite kind of read!

  2. Loved this! I’m a nanny for a 7 month old and I’m definitely passing this on to his parents. They will love the humor as they have said many of the same things lately!

  3. Love the honesty! It’s like parents aren’t allowed to saying anything even remotely negative about what it means to have a kid. I don’t have kids of my own, but a lot of my friends do and I am the aunt of a pretty neat nephew who, I will admit, I kinda spoil. I’m choosing to not have kids because I know it’s not an easy job and not for everyone. But kudos to you for being there for him. I wish my own father had been.

    1. Thanks for the comment.

      One of the reasons I started this blog was to fight back against the tide of utter bullshit that was out there about having kids. Yes, my son is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but that doesn’t mean my life hasn’t changed in a million different ways, many of them, if not for the worse, then at least for the unrecognizable.

      I wanted to write a blog about the struggle to hang onto some semblance of my pre-parent life, and not view everything through the same idealized lens that so many other parents, and parent bloggers, seem to.

      So yeah, I gripe a lot. And make a lot of jokes. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love my kid. Honestly, if I didn’t have an outlet for all the angst, I might not love him quite as much!

  4. Thank you, thank you!

    I was planning on a purely positive comment, until my daughter came back and I made the mistake of scrolling up, forgetting about the fricking Elmo video smack dab in the middle. After a couple of “go BACK mom”s screamed in my ear, we watched it together. Can you just imagine my joy? 😉

    Song is now implanted in my head, and every word that ends with “-el or -le” will now have a “mo” added do it! Forever, I just know it!

    Sheesh. The things we do for our kids.

  5. This is hilarious and well-written, like your FPed post I “liked” that led me here. I used to feel that way about my kids, and then they moved out. Then we bought a beagle, and it’s reasons 1 – 10 all over again. Face it…you’re screwed 🙂 Jane

  6. Haha… This is a great take on the Johnson & Johnson “Having a baby changes everything” tagline (which is true and those ads are genius). But I prefer the sentiment with a little less J&J saccharine and more hungover parents.

    1. Posted on She’s an exceptional fihgetr, and a very strong person. I’m very proud of her, and glad of being by her side loving and supporting her. <3

  7. Thanks god though, right? Can you imagine if you 2.0 weren’t all those things? Then you’d seriously have to hate him. And that would really suck.

    1. I’m convinced that Mr. Hinkle, Caillou’s next door nehbgior, is a pedophile. I find it strange that Calliou is whinier than my kids, yet also more easily placated by his parents. Unfortunately, I’ve had to watch way too much of that show.

  8. This is so funny! I have a 13-month-old, and we watch Yo Gabba Gabba all the time. Honestly, the two characters that I would most like to be killed off of a show is the blonde woman from Walking Dead, and Brobby from Yo Gabba Gabba. The guy claims he doesn’t even like sandwiches.

    1. This is BY FAR the best comment I have ever gotten. Laughed my ass off.

      For the record, I would have liked to have seen Ben from Growing Pains get murdered, as well as Andrea from 90210. Current shows? Everyone on Glee.

      1. Elia Perez Posted on Kim thank you! Lupus is not the end of the world. I fight and challenge myeslf daily. Sometimes to the point of exhaustion, but I NEED to squeeze everything I can out of my days! I have always been like that. To my family it is more significant now the cotributions I make to our family. Stay strong Sis!

  9. This was hilarious! What I loved was your magnificent honesty. (Like that song, this word has been circling my head for weeks. Now I use it everywhere, and it’s going to lose it’s taste soon. Promise.) I don’t have kids yet and do definitely want them later, and what I’m taking from your post is to get drunk while I still can. And watch those movies.

    Cheers to fighting back that tide! You’re certainly doing a wonderful job of it. 🙂

  10. When I first read the title, I wondered how you will live this post down 10 years later when your son discovers it on the internet. Then I read it, and realized that you wimped out. All you did is talk about how much you LOVE your son. Coward!

    1. Believe me, no one is more depressed about this than I am.

      I even wrote about my ongoing wussification here:

      But if you can just hang around for another 12 years or so, I’m sure it will all even out and my anger will trump everything else. So long as he’s the cute little guy he is today, I’ll go easy on him, but by the time he’s a huge pain-in-the-ass teenage punk, I’ll hate his guts. I’m sure of it. And the posts that come out of me then won’t be so nice!

  11. Great Post. I hate all the songs that I know because of my kids. HATE THEM. Especially Fresh Beat Band, Wonder Pets… I was going to list a whole bunch but I’m already singing the first two I mentioned in my head… I can’t keep going.

  12. What a jealous pile of shit you are. Your supposed to want everything in your childs life to be better than yours. Stained with original sin? Are you implying that reproduction is bad? That continuing our existance is bad. Let me guees your one of the ones that believes the world is 12000 years old and dinosaur bones where put here to test our faith. Call cps your not fit to be a Parent. Fucking idiot

      1. “WHAT an illiterate idiot you must be” OH THE IRONY

        “Your supposed to want everything” You’re not your

        “That continuing our existance” its existence

        “Let me guees your one of the ones” Ill give you the typo for guess but your should be you’re here

        “dinosaur bones where put here to test our faith” were not where

        “Call cps your not fit to ” again your is possessive and you should have typed you’re as in you are.

        It is not surprising that someone as obviously unintelligent as yourself didn’t get the “tongue in cheek” nature of this article. However you have thoroughly embarrassed yourself while dripping in irony with your illiterate comment.

        Anyway I thought this article was great and was clearly not meant to be taken so seriously

  13. A little worn down by parenting the last month. Half the people reading this probably think it’s a joke. The joke is, it’s the naked truth. 😉

  14. Haha love it!! I’m a soon to be Mom of 5 and I have heard all of this from my hubby 🙂 the only one I didn’t see was the one about how now that you have a kid your supposed to like or love every other kid. My hubby can’t stand other people’s kids. Sure he treats them nice but he would rather throw them out a window then let them get near him.

  15. Put up or shut up lol

    You whine like a woman, for a man lol
    I’m surprised your wife doesn’t have a joint blog that you both can bitch about how being a parent sucks.
    You didn’t pull out, your fault. She wasn’t responsible enough to take birth control, hers too.

  16. Couldn’t agree more. Especially with the drinking. My seven month old makes it nearly impossible to say yes to that third drink. Argh.

  17. If a woman wrote this, she’d be torn to shreds and be threatened with child protective services. Shame on us for the double standard in that regard. However, funny article. Enjoyed.

    1. Abby,

      Mom bloggers have written this kind of post on more than one occasion. Don’t be a martyr. There is no double standard.

  18. Funny I came here reading to read about some other crazy person and I found completely the opposite. I found a parent. This job is not for the faint of heart and with all the parent wars going on in every corner it is not going to get any easier. I applaud you honestly. I often ask my husband why we worried so hard for give years about being alone without these little people. I would never trade them but I wish I had known they would just come with time and I should have been doing more and thinking about it less.

  19. Great post! I have a fatherhood blog myself and I wish I had written it. My grandson is turning one soon and all I could think of was his face. Thanks for spreading the word! Dads are parents too. At least they should be.

  20. I really needed this tonight, I’ve been having such a tough time with my son it helps to laugh a little and not take things so seriously.

  21. You are such a wonderful dad.. most of the parents feels the same way. Its just your expressions (caring+funny) that has made this article really nice.

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