All I Got For Christmas…

…was a fur-less baby that can’t even talk.

Click below for more – including a picture!

HUGE RIP-OFF!
HUGE RIP-OFF!

What did he get? Winkles, Whoozits, Lovies and a bunch of shit that makes loud, irritating noises and is destined to give me a headache that lasts, say, the rest of my life.

I’m not a big gift guy. When someone asks me what I want for Christmas or my birthday, I never know what to say. Ironically, my son – who CAN’T say anything – gets a king’s bounty of presents. Which is great. Less stuff for us to buy, except, of course, for the mansion I’ll soon have to spring for just to accommodate all the baby/toddler/kid crap required to take care of/raise/educate/entertain/preoccupy/distract/shut up a child.

Not sure I had as many accoutrements when I was a kid, and I know for a fact that my parents didn’t. But just as our ancestors were unable to raise healthy children without avoiding caffeine and cold cuts and soft cheese, and without making sure they slept enough or didn’t sleep too much and had their Baby Einstein and were read to and never left alone to scream and had their eyes wiped with cotton balls, parents today are unable to produce well-adjusted people without buying as much useless crap for them as possible.

So we go to Buy Buy Baby and Babies ‘R Us and countless baby boutiques and the closest garbage cans to find things to amuse and confuse our children.

And then, two months later, when they’ve outgrown every new piece of clothing and every new developmentally-helpful toy, we put them on our front stoop and hope someone gives us fifty cents for them.

Fine, I’ll take a quarter. Just get it out of here.


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13 thoughts on “All I Got For Christmas…”

  1. This post cracked me up! Your honest take on the “king’s bounty of presents” for kids versus the adult gift dilemma is spot-on. It really makes you think about all the baby gear we end up accumulating – and how much of it is truly essential. I can definitely relate to the headache-inducing toys, even without kids of my own. It’s a hilarious and relatable commentary on modern parenting and consumerism, especially that bit about finding things to “amuse and confuse our children.” Great read! Your humor is perfect for navigating the sometimes overwhelming world of baby stuff. It’s almost enough to make me want a financial calculator ba ii plus online to figure out the cost per use of some of these items!

  2. This post absolutely nails the feeling of being a new parent during the holidays! “Fur-less baby that can’t even talk” is such a hilarious and relatable way to put it, and the “king’s bounty of presents” for the little one, versus zero wants for ourselves, is just spot on. It really makes you think about all the “useless crap” we acquire, doesn’t it? Thanks for the laughs and the insightful take on modern parenting – it definitely resonated. Looking forward to seeing that picture, and maybe I’ll get some inspiration for a block poster gratis of my own someday!

  3. This post had me cracking up! The “fur-less baby that can’t even talk” line is gold, and I totally get the sentiment about the sheer volume of baby gear. It’s astounding how much “stuff” seems to be required these days, even if a lot of it ends up being fleeting distractions. You perfectly captured that modern parental dilemma of trying to provide everything while secretly wishing for a little less clutter. Thanks for the laugh and the relatable take on holiday haul overload – sometimes a good laugh is all you need, along with a handy image to outline converter to help organize thoughts.

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