Harsh Reality

Harsh Reality

So I spent the weekend back in Boston, at the wedding of a friend. He is just about the last of the old crew to tie the knot – in fact, most of the founding members have moved onto the child-bearing portion of our evening, with yours truly joining their ranks oh-so-shortly – so a lot of the boys were back in town. Hanging down at Pino’s (Go Eagles!).

Being that my gorgeous, pregnant wife accompanied me to the wedding – and the fact that I’m becoming a father is about the only thing I ever think about these days – babies were a hot topic of conversation all weekend. And if there was one thing that put a damper on what was a fantastic, incredibly fun weekend of festitivies, it was the blunt honesty of my friends who already have kids. They were pulling no punches when it came to giving me the dirt on being a dad, and some of those punches went right to the kidneys.

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My Baby Is A Vegetable

My Baby Is A Vegetable

According to the baby books and websites I’ve been reading for the past seven months, that is.

All these baby prep guides provide updates by the week/month/trimester, giving you some insight into how the kid is developing, and for some reason, just about every single time they compare your growing baby to some kind of fruit or vegetable.

Keep reading to see the full grocery list of baby comparisons….

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Independence Day has nothing to do with your baby, Pinko.

Independence Day has nothing to do with your baby, Pinko.

There are two things that become pretty popular with certain types of expecting parents as their due date approaches. One thing they do is act like their fetus has already landed and say “it’s Baby Nilbog’s first Independence Day!” even thought the kid is still trapped inside his watery tomb. Sorry, womb. I am not that kind of person. If I were, I might be pissed off that my son’s first baseball game was at Yankee Stadium earlier today. But since he wasn’t actually there, I don’t have to say that.

The other thing certain insufferable types of expecting parents do is start marking every checkpoint, holiday, event of any kind as “the last one we’ll ever have without a kid around,” i.e. “the last Christmas ever without Baby Jojo” or “the last beer pong tournament without a kid to get home to,” etc. I am not that kind of person either, but if I were, I might say that today is the last 4th of July I’ll ever experience without being a father. But I’m not that kind of person, nor do I give a shit about the 4th. Read more about Independence Day has nothing to do with your baby, Pinko. …

100 Greatest Movie Insults Ever – aka “Stuff Kids Probably Shouldn’t Say”

100 Greatest Movie Insults Ever – aka “Stuff Kids Probably Shouldn’t Say”

Happy 4th of July weekend. Here’s an amazing montage of foul-mouthed insults from the movies, featuring some real gems from some great flicks. I’m not exactly going to encourage my kid to say this stuff, but I hope it doesn’t take him too long to figure out the joys of swearing, because it will beRead more about 100 Greatest Movie Insults Ever – aka “Stuff Kids Probably Shouldn’t Say”[…]

Not My Son!

Not My Son!

Wow. And here I am, worried about dropping my kid when this specimen clearly illustrates that there are far worse problems with which to contend. Or maybe HE was dropped on HIS head…. Baby Rule: No Gwar. Baby Rule: No Jerry Springer. Baby Rule: No believing in things without my permission. Baby Rule: No whatever-that-hairdo-is-called.Read more about Not My Son![…]

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