21 Apr

Dad and Buried Posted in discipline 8 comments

Meet the New Boss

As you may or may not know, I tweet a lot. Most of my tweets are at my son’s expense, some are at my expense, and a handful are at my wife’s expense, much to her chagrin. Some are true, some are pure fiction, and some – perhaps most – are true-ish.

Like this one, which is among my most retweeted:

“The fact that I just angrily yelled ‘You’re not the boss of me!’ at my two-year-old is a pretty clear indication that he definitely is.”

I don’t believe I’ve ever yelled that at my son; at least not out loud. But it’s 100% true, just the same.

Toy Story

There are a lot of children’s stories about toys that yearn to become real. There’s the classic Disney flick Pinocchio, the melancholy children’s book “The Velveteen Rabbit” and the heartwarming and erotic Mannequin, starring silver-screen legend Andrew McCarthy.

These stories are all aimed at children, though some seem more appropriate for really, really dumb children (Mannequin). And there are plenty more in this vein. Oddly, there aren’t many toy-based stories for adults (unless you count porn).

But the lack of such stories for grown-ups makes sense. As a parent, it’s not often that I wish one of my son’s toys would become real, though it would be fun to pummel the life out of a flesh-and-blood Elmo.

On the other hand, I do occasionally wish my son would become a toy. At least there’d be less shit to clean up.

Stressed Augmentation

In many ways, having kids is great.

I can’t think of a lot of examples right now, but I like interacting with the hot moms at the playground, and I’ll probably be able to get a dog out of this whole thing pretty soon, since my son is obsessed and my wife can’t tell him no. So those are some perks. Plus, kids change your perspective and make you a better person and shift your priorities and let you see outside yourself and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Those Zs are purely figurative, by the way, because the flip-side to that “I’ve never been happier!” coin is that children also steal your sleep, drain your finances, shred your lifestyle, eliminate your free time and, I’m learning, increase your blood pressure.

Read more about Stressed Augmentation …

04 Mar

Dad and Buried Posted in Fear 7 comments

Toddlers Are Fearless And It’s Terrifying

My son likes to play this game called “Give Mommy and Daddy a heart attack!”

The rules are simple: he goes about his normal, everyday business, and Mom and Buried and I freak out at every stupid and dangerous thing he does that nearly gets him killed. Toddlers are fearless, to a fault.

Obviously, it’s not quite as fun for us.

11 Feb

Dad and Buried Posted in Fear 20,029 comments

My Son Is Growing Up Fast, But That’s Okay

Every once in while my wife is seized with anxiety about how quickly our son is growing up.

I can’t deny that it’s moving fast. He went from being two months old to holding conversations in the blink of an eye. He’s grown from the size of a turnip to a little person almost too big for his stroller in what felt like three weeks. That’s just the way it goes, I guess. One of the most accurate stereotypes regarding having kids is how quickly time passes, and it’s a stereotype for a reason: mental laziness. But it’s also true.

But whereas my wife gets sad about seeing her son develop, I see things a little bit differently.

Dad and Buried

Tag: children

Meet the New Boss

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Toy Story

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Stressed Augmentation

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Toddlers Are Fearless And It’s Terrifying

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My Son Is Growing Up Fast, But That’s Okay

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