Before I became a parent, I made a lot of blanket statements about what I would and wouldn’t do should that day come.

At the top of the list? Putting a leash on my child.

A year and a half in, dealing with an unruly toddler who would like nothing more than to run into traffic or down a spiral staircase or into the maws of a giant piece of machinery, I am thisclose to putting the kid in a cat carrier.

And after the incident last weekend, a leash is starting to seem like the most reasonable thing in the world.

So I did a little research. And I couldn’t stop laughing. Especially at this:

There are so many hilarious aspects to this product that I can’t decide which is the funniest!

• the euphemistic product title: it’s not a leash, it’s a Buddy Harness! Because who doesn’t CHAIN THEIR BUDDIES? (Little-known fact: The classic Tony Curtis/Sidney Poitier flick was originally going to be called “The Defiant Buddies” but they changed it at the last minute.)
• the product description: “Kids are naturally curious – and a backpack with a leash lets them explore the world at their level as you are training them to walk beside you.” Nothing says “explore the world!” more than being violently yanked backwards with a flick of your dad’s wrist.
• the furry animal camouflage of the backpack: “The cute lion face helps kids get used to it as a toy as well as a backpack. Also available in other styles, such a frog or pig!” I’m not sure why the cops don’t adopt this strategy. Criminals would be begging to be arrested if handcuffs looked like cute little froggies!

I’m already past any misgivings about humiliating my child by forcing him to wear a leash. As his physical development continues to outpace his common sense, I’m sure a lot more of my initial concerns about negatively impacting him psychologically by employing similarly over-the-top methods will fall to the wayside in favor of convenience and safety.

Not only will the early humiliation pay dividends down the line, I’d rather have an embarrassed, physically-intact child than a dignified kid that looks like a wet cigar:

Learn more about the “buddy harness,” and other leash options, at ToddlerBackpacks.net