23
Feb
Evil E.T!
When I was a little kid, my brother told me they were making a sequel to E.T. in which his evil twin wreaks havoc. This awesome trailer – complete with original cast members! – imagines something similar:
22
Feb
Teething With Anger
Thankfully, he won’t remember teething.
He won’t remember shoving his fists in his mouth and chewing on his tiny fingers, just to get some relief. He won’t remember his parents’ frustration and exasperation as they attempted to diagnose and then treat what appeared to be a totally phantom issue (like so many of them are). He won’t even remember the blissful relief a few drops of Baby Orajel afforded him, but that probably has less to do with his unformed brain and more to do with the fact that Baby Orajel doesn’t do shit.
No, he won’t remember the days weeks months of pain that came with the slow emergence of his first teeth. But neither will Mom and Buried and I forget them anytime soon.
I can’t wait until he’s ready to lose his baby teeth in a few years, because at the first sign of a wiggle I am going to pull them out and grind them into dust!
16
Feb
Valentine’s Day Massacre
The wife and I didn’t do much on Valentine’s Day.
The night before the “holiday,” Mr. Chubbles decided to wake up every hour and a half and scream until one of us went in there to give him a cuddle or a burp or some chloroform. So by the time Valentine’s Day itself rolled around, we were exhausted.
But we managed a little something. Can’t disappoint the florists and chocolatiers!
14
Feb
Want Ads – What To Get The Dad Who Has Everything
SUBLET NEEDED: Apartment. Single Bedroom sublet also acceptable. Male, mid-30s, looking to sublet a bedroom or apartment for a few weeks (potentially years). My needs are few: Space to lay down. And NO BABIES. I don’t just mean no babies in your part of the apartment, I mean NO BABIES IN THE VICINITY. Not inRead more about Want Ads – What To Get The Dad Who Has Everything[…]
10
Feb
Old Age vs. Parenthood
Over the past five months my life has changed a lot, for obvious, baby-related reasons.
But over the past few years, my life has changed in other ways that have nothing to do with the ill-advised and soul-deadening decision to have a child. I’m talking about things that seem to have more to do with the fact that I am rapidly approaching my 35th birthday than the fact that I’ve added yet another mouth with its own carbon footprint to an overpopulated planet on the verge of extinction.
Problem is, with my life so wrapped up in making sure my baby lives long enough to contribute to and eventually witness the final days of the planet he will help destroy, it isn’t always easy to tell the difference between the changes that are his fault and the changes that are my rapidly deteriorating body’s fault.
So I decided to try and figure out what to blame: old age or parenthood?