My New Home Away From Home: Baby Stores
06 Aug
Posted in Shopping 17,180 comments

My New Home Away From Home: Baby Stores

I’ve talked before about all the crap babies need to live. Crap like milk and bottles and cribs and pacifiers and Bumbos and Pack’n’Plays and breasts and onesies and socks and car-seats and strollers and mobiles and mobiles that play music and stuffed animals and pacifiers that taste like breasts and formula and butt paste and baby wipes and diaper genies and diapers and Baby Bjorn Borgs and gag rags and ohmygod makeitstop whatamImadeofmoney nowIsoundlikemydad Iwanttodie.

My apartment is already swamped with this stuff. And fine, I anticipated that. But somehow I never made the connection between those supplies and the need to purchase them.

My wife’s baby shower was all well and good – good times, good friends, good food, and plenty of the essentials needed to prevent a newborn from swallowing its own face. But, as grateful as we are for the incredible generosity of our friends and family, CAN SOMEONE PLEASE THROW US ANOTHER SHOWER?

If I have to spend another minute inside Babies ‘R Us or Buy Buy Baby or Infant-Mart or FleshBlobs, Bath and Beyond, I may just kill everyone I see. Except for the employees at Babies ‘R Us.

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Baby Talk
03 Aug
Posted in Shut Up 4,926 comments

Baby Talk

Over the past 6-7 years or so, I’ve picked up a lot of new terms that I wish I’d never learned. Terms like “date night” and “broker fee” and “Snooki.” But over the past 8 months, I’ve been adding a more and more esoteric collection of words, phrases and terms to my vocabulary. Just thisRead more about Baby Talk[…]

The Business of Being Indoctrinated
29 Jul
Posted in Movies 12,177 comments

The Business of Being Indoctrinated

As part of training for eventual “Father of the Year” status and in preparation for the storming of my wife’s inner thighs, I have begun watching a few DVDs about the intricacies of childbirth.

Not all of the DVDs are tutorials, though the very first one we watched was, and featured an obnoxious woman who fancied herself a comedienne. With every nugget of information she parceled out about the shape of the inside of my wife’s vagina, she performed an excruciating little skit that was – and I don’t speak from experience – more painful than labor. I don’t want to speak for my wife, but can we please keep any and all attempts at laughter away from her genitals?

Last night we took a breather from Gilda Radner’s Guide to Reproduction and moved on to The Business of Being Born, a documentary exploring the world of midwifery and why if you deliver your baby in the hospital you’re a slave to the system and the reason for global warming.

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Like A Ticking Clock
27 Jul
Posted in TV 142 comments

Like A Ticking Clock

With this countdown running down in my head, I feel like Jack Bauer. At least once a week now, if not every other day, I am faced with some new experience that serves as a stark reminder of just how close I am to the birth of my son, aka “The Day The Music (andRead more about Like A Ticking Clock[…]

Mad Men Returns: Betty Draper’s Parenting Skills
23 Jul
Posted in TV 3 comments

Mad Men Returns: Betty Draper’s Parenting Skills

If you are as psyched for Mad Men’s return this Sunday, then you’ll definitely get a kick out of this video that’s floating around. She’s one hell of a good mom.

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