I love my kids, I just hate parenting
Parenting is not a competition. But that doesn’t stop some parents from treating it like one.
Last week I wrote a post about the self-loathing I felt upon stating my son’s age in months. The first comment I received was a joke about how I should get my son checked out because he’s not yet walking on his own.
At least I hope it was a joke.
This entire blog is dedicated to my attempt at staving off the inevitability of becoming something I hate:
One of those people who is known as a parent first and a person second. One of those people who can’t seem to talk about anything except kids and kid-related stuff. One of those people who goes to bed at 8pm because parenting is so tiring, who stops having fun (read: drinking) because parenting is so all-consuming. One of those people who only listens to kids music, who only watches children’s programming, or who only hangs out with other parents.
Or one of those people who relays his child’s age in months. Today, I failed.
A friend of mine is in a fantasy football league in which one owner drafted a defense in the sixth round.
When questioned as to why he made such an idiotic pick, said owner explained that he made the pick because his young son had been begging him to take the Steelers D all day and he couldn’t hold him off any longer.
Um, what?
There was a time when I thought they weren’t real. I saw them on a classic episode of The Simpsons and thought they were a clever joke. But, sadly, they do exist. And it’s hard to believe anyone would consider using one.
I’m talking about the “Baby Harness.” In the classic Simpsons episode that featured the return of Danny DeVito as Homer’s long-lost brother Herb, a baby-speech translator captures the feelings of a child who has been subjected to a harness: “This leash demeans us both.” (Watch the episode here!)
The sad fact is that even parents who refuse to succumb to the convenience of the baby harness can’t help but regularly demean their children. Sometimes, all it takes is the wrong shirt.
I have made my peace with babies. After long, contentious negotiations, we’ve finally come to terms.
Of course, I still hate your baby (sorry, but it’s true. My baby is the best, your baby is the worst; that’s just the way it is.) But babies in general? They’re okay. There’s been a lot of chatter lately, as usual, about whether kids should be allowed in restaurants. This place banned them. You already know how I feel.
Babies aren’t the issue, believe me. After 10 months of living with one, I understand them now; at least, I understand them as much as I ever will. I’m used to having a baby around, I know the drill; I can deal with babies. They are what they are and they are controllable.
Toddlers, on the other hand…