21 Jul

Dad and Buried Posted in Shopping 8 comments

How to Dress a Toddler

There was a time when I thought they weren’t real. I saw them on a classic episode of The Simpsons and thought they were a clever joke. But, sadly, they do exist. And it’s hard to believe anyone would consider using one.

I’m talking about the “Baby Harness.” In the classic Simpsons episode that featured the return of Danny DeVito as Homer’s long-lost brother Herb, a baby-speech translator captures the feelings of a child who has been subjected to a harness: “This leash demeans us both.” (Watch the episode here!)

The sad fact is that even parents who refuse to succumb to the convenience of the baby harness can’t help but regularly demean their children. Sometimes, all it takes is the wrong shirt.

30 Jun

Dad and Buried Posted in Movies 3,606 comments

Hey Parents, Why So Serious?

When did parenting get so serious?

Every where you look these days, parents are up in arms about the ways other people raise their kids. Don’t Cry It Out! Don’t spank! No TV! No fast food! No smoking!

And yet, despite all these precautions, the ultimate result – the person your kid ends up being, regardless of how strictly or loosely he is raised – is still a mystery. So why can’t we all lighten up a bit?

Why so serious?

10 May

Dad and Buried Posted in Babies 9 comments

How to Train Your Baby

We leave for a trip in two days. With my baby. I don’t know why either.

My son is going to hit the eight-month mark while we’re on vacation in Ireland. I’m pretty nervous about my son’s first plane ride. Nervous and scared. Mostly that another passenger will get so pissed about my unruly child that he’ll yell at my wife and things will get physical. You know, valid concerns.

We’ve gotten some tips for flying with a baby, things like: try Benadryl, and bring a new toy to distract and confuse him with its newness, distribute pre-emptive goody bags, etc. And we may or may not try these. But there’s one thing we’ve been trying already – conditioning my son for what he’s about to experience, in order to make it easier on both him and ourselves.

I wrote a list about how to train your baby – for vacation and for life.

19 Apr

Dad and Buried Posted in Movies 7 comments

Second-Favorite Parent

I mentioned we took the kid swimming. The first week went, ahem, swimmingly. The second week? Not so much.

The differentiating factor?

Daddy. Because I’m the second-favorite parent.

24 Mar

Dad and Buried Posted in Sacrifice 13,675 comments

Parents Don’t Deserve Happiness

All babies are created equal. Their parents are not.

Babies are little humans, slowly developing their own personalities and opinions and interests. As clean slates making their way toward self-realization, they deserve the benefit of the doubt and the unencumbered opportunity to reach their fullest potential.

Parents, however, have had their chance. They are adults (give or take every parent ever featured on MTV or VH1) who’ve they lived their lives and are what they are. At some point they decided (give or take every parent ever featured on MTV or VH1) to have a kid. Or two. Or 19. And now they have to live with that decision. They weren’t born parents, they became parents. They chose their lifestyle, they made their beds – and they deserve no quarter.

And no happiness.

Dad and Buried

Tag: humor

How to Dress a Toddler

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Hey Parents, Why So Serious?

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How to Train Your Baby

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Second-Favorite Parent

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Parents Don’t Deserve Happiness

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