How To Take Care of a Fussy Baby

How To Take Care of a Fussy Baby

If you’ve ever raised a baby, you know how the presence of an infant can transform your home into something like Arkham Asylum. It’s just constant chaos, noise, paranoia and catatonia, and I haven’t even mentioned the food and feces that litter the walls, floor and your clothes. But hey, it’s all worth it once they grow up to be ungrateful money grubbers who show you no respect!

Dealing with a baby is hard. Dealing with a crying, frantic, fussy baby is hell on earth. And even just a few weeks in, I’ve learned a few tricks for making life with a baby just a little more tolerable.

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Mmmm… Babies.

Mmmm… Babies.

I know I spend a lot of time on this blog talking shit about how having a baby is going to destroy my life. One week in and it turns out I am freaking Nostradamus: all of my fears are already coming true! No sleep, no sex, no social life. Blah blah blah. And it’s only going to get worse.

But there are some things I am looking forward to, and a lot of things I didn’t expect. Good things.

At the risk of getting all soft and sentimental, I’m going to share the most amazing and unexpected part of being a new dad. No, it’s not how much I already love him, or how little I care about being woken up when he cries, or how inexplicably colorful his crap is.

It’s something even crazier.

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Ready Or Not

Ready Or Not

Of all the questions I hear most often these days – “How is your wife feeling?” and “When is the baby due?” and “Wow, have you been working out?”- the one that gives me the most pause is “Are you ready?”

Sometimes that’s followed with “to rumble?” and then things get real in a hurry, but usually it’s obvious that they are really just asking me if I’m prepared for the awesome responsibility of becoming a father.

Most of the time, I acknowledge the person’s superficial interest and half-hearted feint at concern by offering one of three quick responses – “Yes?” or “I hope so!” or “As ready as I’ll ever be, I guess” – and then moving on to something else. After all, most people that ask don’t really care. They’re just being polite. And nosy.

The question is the dad-to-be’s equivalent to the constant “how are you feeling?” query that pregnant women are faced with, and – as I mentioned above – it’s easy to dismiss. But should I deign to give it some real thought, it can send me spiraling into an existential black hole that can only be filled with crying jags, drunken fisticuffs and some cutting.

Maybe I’m being too hard on myself. Is it even possible to really be ready to become a parent?

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The “Life Sucks” Anti-Breeding Argument

The “Life Sucks” Anti-Breeding Argument

What's in the box, Al?

1995’s heartwarming blockbuster Se7en, in which a good Christian man attempts to educate a brash young detective in the consequences of sin, features a moving scene in which a young Gwyneth Paltrow reveals that she is pregnant, and that she is scared to bring a baby into the bleak, violent world depicted in the film.

This is a concern many new parents have: do we have the right to introduce a living being into the world, knowing that we’ll be subjecting the child to a lifetime of misery and despair?

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Top 10 Things About Being A Dad That I’m Looking Forward To

Top 10 Things About Being A Dad That I’m Looking Forward To

Yesterday I listed all the stuff I need to learn about babies so I don’t inadvertently flush my heir down the toilet or something.

As I said, the depth of my ignorance is terrifying. But once you get past all the ways in which I could easily kill or cripple my own child, there’s a bunch of stuff that will probably be pretty fun.

So I’ve made another list!

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