Bonding with My Baby

Last weekend, Mom and Buried and I took our son to swim lessons.

Yes, he is learning how to swim at only 7 months old. Although “learning” is a bit misleading. More like DOMINATING.

At first it was a little weird to be bringing an infant into a public pool, especially when the woman in charge of the class made everyone start singing. Even MORE especially when I threw my son into the pool before realizing that’s not the best way to teach him how to swim.

At least now I know he’s not a witch.

Anyway, he survived the class and he’s heading back this Sunday for round 2. I’m getting in the water with him this time, so that means I’ll be eating breakfast Michael Phelps-style (read: getting high and having 15 steaks).

Going swimming with my son inspired me to make a quick list of all the other things I like to do with my new best friend. So here it is:

Top 10 Ways I Enjoy Bonding With My Baby

1. Watching TV
I love to sit around and watch TV with my son. He’s not allowed to watch, and I usually make sure he’s asleep before I put it on, especially if it’s soft porn. Or hard porn. Or Pretty Little Liars. But he’s in the room, and we’re bonding, so long as he doesn’t start crying and thus force me to switch rooms and leave him with his mom.

2. Listening to Music
Unfortunately it’s mostly the music that comes from his toys. Or else the songs that my wife sings to him, one of which is so terrible it makes me want to go on a killing spree. I played him some Beatles tunes the other day, he seemed to like the parts I whistled along with best. The kid loves a good whistle so much that if he eventually turns out to be romantically inclined towards the masculine sex, he’s going to be easy prey for construction workers!

3. Drinking
Just because he’s not legal yet doesn’t mean he can’t come to the bar with me. And he does, ALL THE TIME. So go fuck yourself, Sweet Home Alabama! Though sometimes we drink together at home, which mostly means he’s asleep and I’m standing over his crib wearing a beer helmet. QUALITY TIME.

4. Bouncing
He has an ExerSaucer thing where he bounces, and he has one of those death-traps you connect to the doorjamb to let him bungee jump around and giggle his ass off. I sit and watch because I love seeing the look of joy on his face every bounce brings. I went half-ass bungee jumping once, at Action Park (remember Action Park?!), and it was awesome. If my son ever goes near a real bungee jump I will kill his face.

5. Sleeping
Like his dad, the kid isn’t a great napper. But he’s a hell of a sleeper. A solid 11-12 hours every night, and in the best positions. He’s going to be aces at the Kama Sutra and will make some young woman – or many young men (gays are promiscuous!) – very happy. Needless to say the days of him sleeping on chest are over, and not just because child services told me to stop.

6. Eating
He enjoys eating. He hasn’t yet mastered it, but it’s fun to feed him a bunch of pureed garbage. Occasionally he gets it all over his face and then help him finish the job and we do a little Al Jolson number together. As we progress and he starts actually acquiring preferences, I fully intend to back off when he doesn’t like something. Being force-fed zucchini and squash and spinach as a child scarred me for life. Nowadays I can’t even go near Robert Altman’s Popeye without throwing up. I also still hate spinach. But not as much as I hate Robin Williams.

7. Reading
He can’t read, and I do most of my reading on the subway during my commute, so this doesn’t really count, but come on, he’s a freaking baby. He doesn’t do anything.This list was hard to finish.

8. Drooling
Actually, no one really likes this and I wish he’d stop. Come on, dude. It’s nasty.

9. Walking Around
Nothing fascinates baby and adult alike like a stroll through the neighborhood. My kid sits in rapt attention, staring at the changing scenery as the stroller barrels past slow pedestrians, ignoring any and all street signs and safety signals in the name of speed, and barges its way into and out of the cramped bodegas and boutiques that fill Brooklyn. At least that’s what my wife tells me, I’m usually at home sleeping it off.

10. I Got Nothing
What do you want? This is a freaking baby we’re talking about. He doesn’t do shit.

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