Toy Story

Toy Story

There are a lot of children’s stories about toys that yearn to become real. There’s the classic Disney flick Pinocchio, the melancholy children’s book “The Velveteen Rabbit” and the heartwarming and erotic Mannequin, starring silver-screen legend Andrew McCarthy.

These stories are all aimed at children, though some seem more appropriate for really, really dumb children (Mannequin). And there are plenty more in this vein. Oddly, there aren’t many toy-based stories for adults (unless you count porn).

But the lack of such stories for grown-ups makes sense. As a parent, it’s not often that I wish one of my son’s toys would become real, though it would be fun to pummel the life out of a flesh-and-blood Elmo.

On the other hand, I do occasionally wish my son would become a toy. At least there’d be less shit to clean up.

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Take This Under Advisement, Jerkweed – Vol. 6

Take This Under Advisement, Jerkweed – Vol. 6

It’s been a while since I’ve offered my uniquely unqualified parenting advice to my readers, mostly because no one asks e any questions. I can’t blame them; I’m a moron and some of this stuff could get you killed.

But there are a few submissions I haven’t gotten to yet – including one about the nightmare that is reading to your child – so I thought I’d handle them today. With any luck I’ll solve a problem or two! But probably not.

And remember, if you’re at the end of your rope and are willing to try anything, you can submit your questions here.

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The Perfect is the Enemy of the Ish

The Perfect is the Enemy of the Ish

I can’t draw. I’ve never been able to. But, one day back in elementary school, I got lucky. I drew a horse, and it actually looked like a horse! It was glorious.

But the tail wasn’t quite right. So I erased that part and tried again. But that one small revision screwed up the horse’s hind legs. So I erased them and re-drew that part too. This time the entire back half of the horse was smudged so I was forced to continue with what soon became an entire overhaul of my once beautiful steed.

By the time I was done fixing its tail, my horse – to this day the only good drawing I recall producing in my ENTIRE life – was destroyed.

I wish I’d read Ish before I drew that horse.

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