You may wonder why I haven’t posted anything lately. And you’re right to wonder. I mean, I’d better have a good reason for depriving you of the best entertainment on the web, right? Well, I do. Several good reasons, in fact.

See them after the jump…

Several Good Reasons For Not Posting On My Blog:

1. I’ve been slammed at work. FACT.
2. The Holiday season is hectic, yo. FO REALS.
3. I have a baby, assholes. ASSHOLES.
4. Said baby hasn’t really done much worth writing about lately.

Seriously. He’s delightful and all – and he’s growing at an astonishing rate! – but to the outside world, nothing much has changed since he was about a month old. To my wife and I, sure, he’s barely recognizable. But to the rest of you? BORING.

To wit, here’s a list of ways he’s changed since the middle of October.

Ways He’s Changed Since the Middle of October:

1. He’s fatter – seriously, we’re fitting him for “John Candy pants” as we speak.
2. He’s longer – he’s already almost as tall as I was throughout high school, the little bastard.
3. His might is stronger than stronger
4. His shit is less seedy
5. His shit is more greeny
6. He drools a lot more. And trust me, when an increase of drool is noticeable, it’s A LOT MORE.
7. He smiles a lot more – but mostly at my wife. And her delicious breasts.
8. He grunts and coos a lot more – but mostly at my wife. And her delicious breasts.
9. He sleeps for good chunks, even at night! Except when he doesn’t. Usually at night.
10. Aaaaand…that’s about it

He’s basically in a holding pattern at this point. We’re just waiting for the finish line of 3 months, at which point we’re promised the heavens will open and our newborn son will begin walking and talking and showing us how to use the computer (they pick it up so easily!).

At least, that’s what it sounds like when you ask around. Apparently, once he hits the mythical three-month mark, our work is DONE. Parenting OVER.

As of today we’re about a week away from that landmark, so I’m really looking forward to getting my old life back. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Finally, to quote a favorite movie of mine (and soon to be one of my son’s):

“Sorry I’ve been away so long. I won’t let you down again.”

Points if you can name it!