My son’s a pedophile.

I mean, he’s not in NAMBLA yet or anything, or even NABBLA (North American Baby/Baby Love Association, which I don’t think exists and will not be Googling to find out), but man, does he love him some babies.

The little dude can’t get enough of the younger generation. All day long, every time he sees a baby he points it out and says “baybee!” Over and over and over, to pictures of babies, videos of babies, drawings of babies, etc. When he sees one in person, he immediately approaches it; he needs to check it out. He’s very nice to them so there’s nothing sinister going on; he just seems fascinated. And he wants to be their friend. Which is good news for us, should we decide to have another child.

Scientists say that youngsters who show interest in babies are more likely to be nurturing when a new baby enters the home. As opposed to A) being more likely to turn sociopathic and power hungry, in which case the older child attempts to murder the new kid; or B) being more likely to regress back to babydom and attempt to usurp the new baby’s role to get more attention from mom and dad.

Jesus! Kids are fucked up, right? Such psychological manipulation puts the lie to the idea that we develop our neuorses as we age. Apparently we just develop MORE neuroses, because these kids aren’t even two and they’re already disturbed enough that they feel the need to destroy and/or out-baby their siblings.

Obviously, babies acting crazy isn’t as disturbing as adults acting crazy. It’s not as hilarious either:

It’s nice to know, or at least speculate, that my son will be a god big brother, should we go down that road. But I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with all this “he’ll be a nurturer” information right now, as it’s not really going to impact our decision to have another kid or not. We may live in a democracy but our under-two-years-old roommate – whose favorite activity is flicking light switches – doesn’t get a vote.

Besides, while it’s nice to know my son might not go insane if we give him a sibling (at least not “I’LL KEEL YOU!” insane), it’s still a little weird that he seems to like them so much. Like I said, there’s no NABBLA yet, but aside from being infatuated with infants my son is also quite industrious, so…

I stress “yet.”