I loved college.

While there are always exceptions, it’s almost hard not to love college. For many kids, it’s the first taste of freedom, a hint of real life without any of the “real” part. You live on your own, you hang out with big groups of friends, you have unfettered access to the opposite sex. Sure, you have some “responsibilities,” but with a little common sense it doesn’t take much to maintain them and still have plenty of time to just have fun.

When you’re in college, you don’t yet know what you don’t know and, as a result, life is blissful. Everything’s in front of you. It’s not until you graduate and spend a few years in the real world that you realize how good you had it.

Being a parent is a different kind of education – one that kind of works in reverse, in that it’s a bit of a grind and you don’t see a lot of the payoff until much later – that’s only if your kids don’t grow up to be assholes. But a good fifteen years removed – and no, I will not be attending any reunions so don’t paw at me with your dirty little guild – I am able to see some similarities between the life of a college student and that of a toddler.

Ways College Students and Toddlers are Alike

College Kids: never have any money, cost their parents a fortune
Toddlers: never have any money, cost their parents a fortune

College Kids: get up whenever they want, usually really late, after being up all night
Toddlers: get up whenever they want, usually really early, after being keeping you up all night

College Kids: only call their parents when they need money
Toddlers: always call their parents when they need anything

College Kids: often can’t walk straight, always bump into things, occasionally break stuff
Toddlers: always can’t walk straight, always bump into things, always break stuff

College Kids: use bizarre terminology that only other college kids can understand
Toddlers: use bizarre terminology that no one can understand

College Kids: listen to terrible music they will one day regret
Toddlers: listen to terrible music they will one day forget

College Kids: sit around getting high and watching TV
Toddlers: sit around seeming high and watching TV

College Kids: supposedly learning but look how they dress!
Toddlers: supposedly learning but can’t even dress themselves!

College Kids: drink their dinner
Toddlers: drink their dinner

College Kids: constantly infecting each other with STDs
Toddlers: constantly infecting everyone with everything

College Kids: experiment with drugs and sleeping around
Toddlers: I wish I could drug my kid to sleep right now

College Kids: binge drink until they puke
Toddlers: puke

College Kids: butt-chugging
Toddlers: reverse butt-chugging

College Kids: listening to them talk is excruciating, but at least you can remember what it was like
Toddlers: god I hope I forget most of this toddler bullshit