The Toddler Oscars

My toddler doesn’t exactly lie yet.

He does, but it’s so innocent – and about such childish things – that I hesitate to call it lying. It’s more like acting. Since the Oscars are tonight, I thought I’d give my kid a few meaningless trophies that probably should have gone to someone else.

In honor of the female Super Bowl (with apologies to the opening weekend of the Sex and the City movie), I give you a list of my kid’s best performances.

Oscars, Academy Awards, movies, Django Unchained, Argo, Zero Dark Thirty, acting, toddlers, parenting, Lincoln, Daniel Day-Lewis, dads, fatherhood, kids, lying, independent spirit awards, film, Beasts of the Southern Wild

The Toddler Oscars

  1. Pretending he’s not hungry – Detective Munch’s commitment to pretending he’s not hungry is insane. He will actually SPIT OUT food that is already in his mouth. Breathtaking.
  2. Pretending he IS hungry – Unrivaled in his ability to trick us into letting him stay awake for another few minutes by insisting he needs something to eat, this two-year-old enthralls parents and babysitters alike with his impersonation of a starving child.
  3. Pretending he’s not tired – Actually, he sucks at this. He doesn’t have the discipline required to suppress a yawn or refrain from rubbing his eyes, even as he employs the Method and calls on his most energetic memories.
  4. Pretending he IS tired – I can’t tell, as he’s never tried this one. Maybe when he’s older and he has to get up for school or for work we’ll see what he can do.
  5. Pretending he hasn’t pooped – He can sell it, I’ll give him that. No one plants their own filthy, mushy butt on the ground with such fearless, unblinking conviction. He is willing to sacrifice his body just to maintain the illusion that he needn’t be changed. It’s extraordinary, the lack of vanity. Alas, the suspension of disbelief cannot be maintained in the face of that stench.
  6. Pretending he got hurt – This may be his most impressive work, because he is actually able to make himself believe he’s in pain, and thus summon the appropriate volume and intensity of screaming, when it’s obvious to all that his head barely even grazed the side of that table.
  7. Pretending he’s Daddy – He’s a gifted mimic, and his skills are never more heart-wrenching than right after Daddy curses someone out while driving.
  8. Pretending he’s Mommy – He orders me around so authoritatively, if I shut my eyes I can convince myself he’s his mother.
  9. Pretending he’s drunk – He acts like he’s half in the bag half of the time. I think it’s unintentional.
  10. Pretending he’s in control – I’m the one pretending. He’s totally in control.

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7 thoughts on “The Toddler Oscars

  1. My 12 year old son should have won for “Pretending He is Hurt”. He nailed that performance and it was stolen right out from under him. You and the Academy will be receiving a letter from our lawyers and agents.

    1. Actually, it would be very difficult beuacse of the way IP addresses are assigned. They would have to have a permanent IP address, and that’s hard to do when you connect in different places (or even to different networks). However, if they use broadband it is possible to get a GPS location on them.

  2. my son would have won for walking out of kindergarten with the king’s hat and balloons given to kids on their birthdays. it was november and his birthday is in march. the teacher looked at me as if i was the worst parent on the planet since he hadn’t brought in cupcakes and what kind of mother would send such a sweet little boy to school on his birthday without any cupcakes to share….

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