Children are mirrors.
When I concentrate really hard, I do this thing with my face where my features get scrunched up all tight. My wife blames this expression for my increasing wrinkles and constantly attempts to stop me from doing it (despite the fact that I can still pass for 18!) I see her point, and I’d love to stop creating crow’s feet. But it’s impossible; it’s genetic.
I’ve seen my father make the same face, for the same reasons, and now I’m waiting to see it on Detective Munch’s chubby little visage. He already looks a lot like me, and it’s so gratifying to see him take on some of my characteristics that I’m okay with adding the wrinkle-maker to that collection.
Unfortunately, it has yet to happen. But I have seen him reflect back aspects of myself that are not quite as amusing.
Everybody knows kids are sponges, but they’re also mirrors. They reflect what they see, for better or worse, and for the first decade or so of their lives, what they see most are their parents. It’s our words and actions they emulate as they make their first tentative contact with the world. At first, it’s super cute when your little mini-me displays your facial expressions or your spouse’s mannerisms and generally starts behaving like a mini-you. It stops being cute when the kid begins evidencing some of your less-than-flattering behavior, for the world to see.
When that happens, you typically react in two ways: by pointing fingers at yourself or your spouse, and/or by resolving to change your own behavior and become a better role model for your kids.
For example, my son has learned what some may consider a swear word. It’s the relatively benign “dammit”, and it usually gets a laugh when he wields it in public. But no one’s going to be laughing if he becomes the toddler who throws out f-bombs at birthday parties, and that will be on me. (Or on Mom and Buried – at least I’ve been trying to ease up with the cursing; she’s basically unrepentant!) Regardless of who specifically is to blame, if our son becomes a little Andrew Dice Clay, everyone will know it’s his parents’ fault, and it won’t matter which one.
It’s going to be a while before my son’s behavior is measured independently of us, and that’s as it should be. He can’t even speak, let alone think, for himself; we are rightfully responsible for his actions. And while he may just be copying funny words and mannerisms now, soon he’ll be internalizing the things we say and the opinions we have and repeating them in public as if they’re his own. When that happens, no one will have any questions as to where he learned them.
Nothing shines a brighter light on who you really are than the behavior of your kids.
Some of the things the spotlight reveals are superficial, like the aforementioned wrinkle-maker. Some are deeply ingrained characteristics, like having a short temper or a thing for redheads. But, most of the time, the spotlight illuminates the everyday behavior you don’t even consider: the way you act towards your neighbors; the things you say when you’re not censoring yourself; the tone of voice you use with your spouse. We’re the stars of our kids lives, and it’s not long before they start emulating their idols.
Children are mirrors, walking reflections of the real, unadulterated you, and what they display to the world isn’t always pleasant. Once your little mini-me starts interacting with the public, you become an open book.
You might want to start changing how it reads.
5 thoughts on “Children are Mirrors”
Very true. We are role models for our children and have to be aware of that at all times.
I just wrote a post today about something similar! Listening to my 12 year old rip into someone, under her breath, reminds me of what a horrible mom I am, I mean, how I need to self improve. Or acquire a better mom for her. Nothing like a kid to point out all your personality flaws by mimicking them!! Good times.
Great post. Ultimately, this is how the exams we set can make our kids the people we’d like them to be. They will, of course, do stupid and entertaining things, but our values will always be at the core of who they are. The good news is my family values humor above almost all else.
This is so apparent to me this last month. We’ve had a particular trying 2 months at 3.5yrs and mum has had her own tantrum once or twice. In the midst I’ve under my breath..f$#@g hell. Yes, now guess whos saying it, in context- all the time. Followed by the ‘I hate bla bla’. Its a wake up for me to be super conscious abt my behaviour. Its a tough gig!!!
Don’t worry about censoring your “bad words”. The world does too much of that. Kids learn context quickly. Better to be yourself in front of them than to try and fake it.