Real Genius

I’m not going to say my son’s a genius.

I’m going to type it: MY SON IS A GENIUS.

Let me be clear: at my son’s young age, there is a lot he doesn’t know. Hell, at my age, there’s a lot I don’t know. But while my son is still figuring out how to feed himself, he’s been picking up all sorts of other knowledge and skills at an incredible rate.

So I thought I’d start posting about the new things he can do. In list form!

Assorted Stuff My Kid Can Do

– he can quack like a duck
– he can “ho ho ho” like Santa Claus
– he can bark like a dog
– he can howl like a wolf
– he can walk like a man (a drunk man)
– he can talk like a man (not true)
– late December 1963 was a very special time in his life
– he can say “thank you”
– he can use “thank you” preemptively in order to acquire what’s in your hand through the sheer force of his anticipatory gratitude
– he can take the TV remote and point it at the TV
– he can take the TV remote and hand it to you and then point at the TV until you make Elmo appear
– he can climb stairs
– he can dance
– he can slow dance
– he can dance like no one’s watching (but he prefers an audience)
– he can dance like David Silver
– he can follow some basic commands (including “come here” and “sit on my lap” and “bring me that book” and “puff puff give”)

Squash It!

– he can sign a few words (including “more” and “eat”)
– he can say “hi” and “bye”
– he can say “no”
– he cannot stop saying “no”
– he can shake his head “no”
– he can push food away while saying and/or shaking his head “no”
– he can loudly and violently refuse food only to accidentally eat it and discover he loves it
– he can point at the food he only recently despised and scream if it is not immediately placed in front of him
– he can soon be studied by psychologists because he is clearly batshit insane
– he can pick the food he doesn’t like out of the food he does like, even when all aforementioned foods are in his mouth
– he can throw those foods on the floor
– he can laugh maniacally while displaying the previous skill on this list
– he can continue to laugh maniacally as you swear and clean the floor like some kind of fucked-up male Cinderella (pre-slipper incident)
– he can sweep the floor (not a Karate Kid-style euphemism; we’re actually training him to sweep the floor. In lieu of rent.)


– he can “read” (i.e., he can leaf through books)
– he can take the Bose remote and damage your eardrums by turning the speaker on with the volume set incredibly, painfully high
– he can hold his yogurt pack by himself and suck it dry and toss it on the floor with contempt when it’s empty
– he can pour his milk all over the rug
– he can blow kisses and he does so without discrimination
– he can comb his hair
– he can attempt to put on socks
– he can locate and push my bellybutton
– he can say bye with such repetition that it becomes painfully obvious that he would really like you to leave
– like, leave right now. I said get out of here!
– he can hurt my feelings. 🙁

Despite the fact that my wife forwards me the “Your baby at XX months!” emails every week, I have no real idea if my kid is acquiring his many, MANY skills at a highly accelerated rate or if he’s merely acquiring them at a somewhat accelerated rate. I’m not a scientist. And you already know how I feel about benchmarking your kids.

But I am incredibly proud of my son for the things he’s learning everyday, even though most of his learning so far is pretty much instinctual and/or imitative. I’m just really annoyed I have to force myself to stop swearing so much, lest the kid start cursing out strangers rather than blowing them kisses.

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2 thoughts on “Real Genius

  1. he can say bye with such repetition that it becomes painfully obvious that he would really like you to leave

    I’ve experienced this, sometimes he says bye to me as soon as I arrive.
    He’s an ‘evil’ genius.

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