21 Oct

Dad and Buried Posted in Charts and Graphs No comments

Disciplinary Actions

It’s not easy to discipline your kids. To get the job done, I think we all try a little bit of everything.

There are countless recommendations out there, infinite cure-alls guaranteed to produce the perfect child IN DAYS! They range from time-outs to reward charts to taking away toys to whining back at them so they can see how ridiculous it feels. But none of them work.

When I discipline my kid, the progression is not so much 1-2-3-MAGIC as it is 9-1-1-HELP!

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12 Oct

Dad and Buried Posted in discipline One comment

The No-Can-Do Kid

Usually when I watch my son stumble around, I’m amazed at how little he can do. I mean, yeah, he’s only five-years-old, but it’s incredible to see all the basic, rudimentary human activities that he is unable to complete, or even truly comprehend.

I love my son, and lately his behavior has (slightly) improved and he’s being (slightly) less of an asshole so I’m (slightly) more inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. After all, in many cases, it’s not his no-can-do attitude so much as his no-can-do age.

With that in mind, I’ve tried to change my perspective and look at his deficiencies – like the inability to do two things at once, or to not get food in his hair, or to take a shower – as adorable and charming.

Credit Fraud

Last week, after I laid out why I agree with Target’s new non-gender assignation policy, a handful of people on social media praised me, called me a great dad, and said they wished more people would raise their kids like I’m raising mine.

AWKWARD. I’ve never committed credit fraud, but when I get praise for being a good parent, that’s what it feels like.

I prefer when people call me an asshole and a terrible father. Because, as my regular readers know (thanks, regular readers!), that’s a lot closer to the truth.

Empty Parenting Threats

When it comes to getting your kids to do something they don’t want to do, there are basically three tactics you can employ: bribery, threats, and just giving up and doing it for them.

Doing it for them is obviously not the way to go. Detective Munch is lazy enough as it is; if I were to start waiting on him hand and foot (or waiting on him even more, which I guess would make it waiting on him hands and feet? COMEDY GOLD!), he’d probably end up with bed sores.

As most parents already know, bribery is a double-edged sword. It works, but you’re gonna pay for it down the line when the kid refuses to get out of bed without the promise of a new toy or some TV time, and eventually you’re buying him a new car just to get him to go to college.

Which leaves us with threats.

07 Aug

Dad and Buried Posted in Judgment 12 comments

You’re a Good Parent

I don’t know you. And I don’t know your kids.

I have no idea what they’re like, how they act in public, at restaurants, in movie theaters. I don’t know if they have good manners, if they curse, if they listen to you more than they don’t, if they eat their dinners without argument and clean their rooms when asked.

I’ve never met you and probably never will. I couldn’t pick you out in a lineup. (I hope you’re not in any line-ups.) I don’t know if you’re quick to yell, or if you’re lazy, or if you’re neglectful.

But that doesn’t matter. I know you’re a good parent.

Read more about You’re a Good Parent …

Dad and Buried

Tag: discipline

Disciplinary Actions

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The No-Can-Do Kid

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Credit Fraud

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Empty Parenting Threats

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You’re a Good Parent

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