It was almost exactly two years ago when I discovered I was going to be a father. My level of ignorance on the topic had me pretty nervous, but the nerves are natural. And kind of pointless. Because what I’ve learned after my first full year as a dad is that the key to being a good father is simply this: don’t be an asshole.

Seriously. If you’re already not an asshole, you can skip the rest of this (long) post because that’s all there is to it. Congratulations! Go forth and multiply.

However, I was an asshole. And I didn’t have much guidance when I became a dad. So I offer the following nine-item list (one for each month of pregnancy!) to all the assholes like me who need advice on getting through the nine or so months preceding the birth of the person who will most likely be your end (Oedipus!).

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