Tag: humor

The Pros and Cons of Preferential Treatment
09 Jul
Posted in Drinking 369 comments

The Pros and Cons of Preferential Treatment

My son likes my wife more than he likes me.

Yup. He’s a bit of a mama’s boy. But it’s normal for young kids to have an attachment to their mom; after spending nine months living in someone’s body, and then another year or so relying on that body for sustenance, you’d get attached too. Besides, he’s not even two, so I’m not super concerned that he’ll develop into some freaky Norman Bates type guy. Yet.

But I understand why he likes Mom more than dear old Dad. But that doesn’t mean her preferential treatment doesn’t occasionally hurt my feelings.

Except when it works to my advantage.

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“You’re a Great Dad. Who Knew?”
15 Jun
Posted in Fear 2,298 comments

“You’re a Great Dad. Who Knew?”

The title of this post is an exact quote from my wife. Thanks, honey?

It’s a borderline offensive thing to say, but she’s right. No one knew I’d be, let alone expected me to be, a great dad. Or even a good one. Not her. Not you. Least of all me.

Okay. Maybe least of all you.

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Dealing with Tantrums
12 Apr
Posted in Fear 7 comments

Dealing with Tantrums

Ah, tantrums. Even the word sucks. But it’s got nothing on the experience.

When you have a toddler, they are impossible to avoid. But, rumor has it there are ways to defuse them.

If you’ve got the balls.

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The Death of Spontaneity
06 Apr
Posted in Babies 15,913 comments

The Death of Spontaneity

Back when I was single, or even married without a kid, planning things wasn’t necessary. I’d get an impromptu phone call from a friend and just say “sure, I’ll be right there!” Then I’d actually be right there, and we’d spend the next 11 hours sitting at a bar.

Nowadays, if I don’t have something on the books at least a week in advance, I can’t even answer that phone call. Just getting yourself and your kid out of the house takes an eternity. When you become a parent, the concept of “spur of the moment” ceases to exist.

Having children means the death of spontaneity.

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Homeless or Toddler?
02 Apr
Posted in Health 4,557 comments

Homeless or Toddler?

My wife called me today to alert me to the latest adorable thing my son did. Are you ready for this?!

She was getting him ready for his bath, and he decided that the moment right AFTER his diaper came off was the perfect moment to urinate. So urinate he did, all over the floor. Then he slipped in his own urine. And fell. Into his own urine.

SUPER CUTE, right? The kind of thing you’d expect to see an adorable homeless man do while you’re waiting for the subway. I’m actually a little shocked I haven’t seen that happen. I live in New York!

But toddlers and the homeless have a lot of other behavior in common. So much so that it can be hard to tell them apart.

Let’s try.

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