I love my kids, I just hate parenting
Father’s Day is coming up (as if you didn’t know, you sly minx!) and Mom and Buried keeps asking me what I want. I keep telling her that I don’t want any Father’s Day gifts.
Which is true, I don’t want anything. Why not? Well, it’s certainly not because “I have two beautiful kids and an amazing wife and that’s everything I need” because give me a break!
Here are some reasons I don’t want any Father’s Day gifts.
It’s a fool’s errand to try to predict your kid’s future when he’s still in kindergarten, but that doesn’t stop parents from losing their minds over particular talents they spot in their children.
Detective Munch is not even six. Neither he nor I has any idea what he’s going to be into down the line, but so far his favorite subject at school seems to be science, and, besides being a pain in the ass, his greatest talent seems to be in getting dirty.
Luckily, I may have found a job for him that combines both of those things!
Parents aren’t special. Having children doesn’t make you a hero. To paraphrase Furious Styles, any fool can make a baby, it takes a real parent to raise kids.
It also takes a real parent to think horrifying thoughts about their kids. And if that’s the primary criterion by which parenting is measured, I’m pretty sure I’m the world’s greatest dad. Because I’m a horrible person!
For proof, witness this list of terrible thoughts only parents have, and that it’s possible only this parent has, because I’m deranged. But that’s why you love me!
Parents are boring.
At least the ones who care about nothing except being a parent are. I care about my kids, but they’re not all I care about.
Nor should they be.
As a parent, pizza plays a big role in my life.
Every weekend, we have a movie night with my picky five-year-old, and we watch a movie of his choice (please choose Star Wars, please choose Star Wars!) and eat some pie. Already, pizza is being connected to some of his favorite nights, and that’s a good thing.
Many of my childhood memories of food are negative, due to my parents’ unrelenting insistence on making me eat vegetables I despised. But there are a few positive associations, and many of them involve pizza. I mean, how can you have a bad time when pizza is involved?
Please, allow me to feed your #pizzastalgia with this heartwarming story from my youth…