Parents aren’t special. Having children doesn’t make you a hero. To paraphrase Furious Styles, any fool can make a baby, it takes a real parent to raise kids.
It also takes a real parent to think horrifying thoughts about their kids. And if that’s the primary criterion by which parenting is measured, I’m pretty sure I’m the world’s greatest dad. Because I’m a horrible person!
For proof, witness this list of terrible thoughts only parents have, and that it’s possible only this parent has, because I’m deranged. But that’s why you love me!
25 Terrible Thoughts Only Parents Have
- If I had a time machine, I’d totally spare Hitler just so I could jump ahead to when my kid leaves for college. I mean, I’d go for Hitler AFTER THAT, obviously. But college first!
- A vasectomy hurts, for sure, but only for a little while. Not for 18 years.
- I wonder if we can get the five-year-old a job in one of those Chinese iPhone factories…
- What’s the age limit on safely dropping a kid off at a fire station? (Please be over six.)
- I like to eat, eat, eat, apples and bananas. I’d like to BEAT BEAT BEAT whoever wrote this song…
- The only way I’ll be attending another one-year-old’s birthday party is if it’s BYOB.
- We can totally skip the bath tonight. Nobody will make fun of him – everybody loves Pigpen!
- Sleep-away camp is available year-round, right?
- I wonder what it would be like to be deaf…
- Why doesn’t that “What Little Boys are Made of” poem say anything about crumbs?
- “Bundle of joy” my ass.
- The things I would do for a cup of coffee right now…
- He’s always dressing up, I bet he’ll love military school!
- Maybe if I keep my eyes closed long enough he’ll go get his own breakfast.
- Whoever coined the phrase “the pitter-patter of little feet” should be in jail.
- Can cartoon characters die? God I hope so.
- If I hear “are we there yet?” one more time I’m breaking out the duct tape.
- Why did I buy that white [anything]?
- I wonder if he’d miss his recorder if I hid it/threw it in the garbage/broke it into 500 million pieces…
- It’s not like chloroform is painful…
- “Have kids,” they said! “Best thing that ever happened to us,” they said! LYING BASTARDS.
- I bet quicksand is really relaxing…
- All I’m saying is I’d totally watch a real life “Hunger Games”.
- If he doesn’t eat those fish sticks I swear to god I’m gonna lose it…
- “Sorry, buddy, do you want some chicken nuggets instead?” God, I’m a pathetic sap. I HATE MYSELF.
A slightly different version of this post previously appeared on Healthline.com.