I love my kids, I just hate parenting
![[E-card] Bite Club](https://i0.wp.com/dadandburied.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/fight-club.jpg?resize=500%2C233&ssl=1)
The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club. The first rule of Bite Club is you never stop talking about Bite Club.
Seriously, if someone bites you, scream bloody murder and alert everyone in your vicinity! Biting is NOT acceptable, even if you’re just a toddler.
Because I don’t care if you’re Batman: getting bit HURTS.
Everyone knows children get special treatment. We whine and complain about how annoying they are, frustrating they are, how stressful they are, and then when they actually do something worthy of punishment? We treat them more leniently than the NFL treats the Patriots.
We’re so blinded by stupid unconditional love that we give our kids more free passes than CVS gives coupons. Never is this glaring inequality more prominent than around the holidays.
Mother’s Day gifts are the perfect example.
Is there anything more enticing to kids than a bouncy house?
Is there anything more nerve-wracking for parents than a bouncy house?
Most of these unregulated party props serve as manic mosh pits full of kids ranging from toddler to teen, and every one of them leaves their brain outside along with their sneakers. The only thing worse than the maelstrom that ensues should you try to prevent your kid from setting foot inside one of those things (forget Deflategate, Inflategate is REAL!) is the heart attack that ensues while you watch them navigate the bouncy box of doom.
Some holes just weren’t meant to be squeezed through, whether you’re wearing shoes or not!
(Allow me to apologize IMMEDIATELY for that imagery.)
Let’s face it, when it comes to parenting, moms already get all the praise. (Not that I’m complaining.)
Sure, that “praise” often calcifies into “being taken for granted,” which is just about complaint #1 from women everywhere (along with “I want more romance/passion!” and “socks go IN the hamper, not NEAR the hamper!”) but if you think about it, it’s a positive thing! Abilities and skills are only taken for granted once someone comes to rely on them. Kudos, moms everywhere! You’ve raised the bar for yourselves.
Unfortunately, that bar is often just a little too high for your liking. So I’m going to level the playing field with some mom fails!
There are thousands of hilarious parents on Twitter. Of all stripes.
Many of them are featured in the Big Book of Parenting Tweets, and I am flattered to have been selected alongside so many funny moms and dads (I’m in the brand-new sequel too!). There are stay-at-home dads, working moms, gay dads, single moms, goofy dads, nerd moms, asshole dads (that’s me!), etc.
Aside from being parents, about the only thing we all have in common is our constant drinking. Which, of course, is one of the key steps towards being a funny parent on Twitter.