On the eve of my son’s birth, I’ve been thinking a lot about my parenting style, and which lessons I want to impart to my heir. Basically, WWCTD: What Would Coach Taylor Do?

There are a lot of horrible children out there, and most of the blame obviously lies with videogames and Marilyn Manson and Avatar-related depression. But some of it lies with their parents. I am not going to be one of those parents whose kid is a loser. My son is going to dominate. But he can’t do it on his own, so I’ve come up with a list of ten values that will serve as a guideline for him as he grows up.

To make sure he toes the line and doesn’t defy me, I’ve included a video counterpoint with each lesson on the list. That way, should he feel himself straying, he’ll be able to recognize the signs. Check out the list after the jump.

Dad and Buried’s Top 10 Life Lessons

1 – Self-confidence
Believe in yourself, kid, because if you don’t, no one else will. Be confident, and don’t let yourself get pushed around; I’m not raising no pussy. But remember: self-confidence doesn’t mean you actually have to be a tough guy, you just have to think that nobody’s tougher than you and never back down, even if you occasionally get your face broken as a result. Every pussy-hound knows that nothing turns a chick on more than self-confidence.

Counterpoint:

2 – Respect for Women
Now Son, remember: just because I used the word “pussy” a lot in my last lesson doesn’t mean I don’t respect women. Women are the greatest. Treat them well. Especially your mom. But don’t go idolizing your mom so much that you get a complex. If that starts to happen, just bang some slut real quick to cleanse the palate. But never, EVER marry the slut. Here endeth the lesson.

Counterpoint:

3 – Respect for Elders
For the first thirty years of your life, your elders will dominate. And they should; they’ve earned it. So what if they can’t use a computer as well as you or don’t listen to the same music? They have experience and with experience comes wisdom; you can learn from them. Then, after you’ve soaked up everything they have to teach you, put them in a home. Win-win.

Counterpoint:

4 – Independence
Be your own man. Don’t succumb to peer pressure. Being yourself is about the only thing you can control in this world, and if you maintain your self-confidence and stay true to yourself, you’ll be a winner in my book. Unless you’re an outcast. In that case save the originality for college and start blending. My son ain’t gonna be some friendless loser. If that starts to happen, just bang some slut real quick and watch your stock skyrocket!

Counterpoint:

5 – Moderation
There are a lot of temptations out there: video games, fast food, alcohol, drugs, sex. I’m not about to tell you to abstain, abstain, abstain. That’s the Pope’s job, and it’s obsolete. The trick is to know you’re limits and dabble. Just dabble. When you get to college, go a little overboard, and when you get to old age, go berserk. But in between? Dabble your ass off. With a condom.

Counterpoint:

6 – Sense of Humor
Having a healthy sense of humor is the key to enjoying life. Don’t take everything so seriously, you hump, and you’ll enjoy things a lot more. Plus, chicks love a funny guy. So remember: self-confidence, balls, and always make ’em laugh. Trust me. You’ll be swimming in it.

Counterpoint:

7 – Kindness and Honesty
I’m on the fence about this one. Nice people are either boring as shit or obnoxious as hell and potentially Evangelical, which actually means they are kind of evil. Honest people don’t exist. You can try to be the first, but nobody likes a Boy Scout. That doesn’t mean you should be a constant liar and raging prick; you have to pick your spots. Sometimes you have to lie to be nice and sometimes being honest means hitting somebody where it hurts. It’s a sticky wicket. Also, none of these rules apply when it comes to scoring chicks. All’s fair! So lie your ass off or die alone.

Counterpoint (not really though):

8 – Optimism Realism
Life’s a bitch. It’s not about expecting the best, or seeing things as half full. It’s about perceiving things as they actually are, finding the person responsible, and making them pay. Look, nothing breeds a sunny outlook like positive results, so sure, when things are going your way, think positive all you want. But when things get shitty, don’t just smile and expect the best. Go out and get yours.

Counterpoint:

9 – Courage
Don’t be stupid. But don’t be scared, either. Because if there’s one thing besides self-confidence and a good sense of humor and money and good looks and a large penis and a nice car and money that chicks notice, it’s balls. So flash yours every once in a while, but only when the time is right. Don’t give in to dares, that’s just macho BS. But do get in the occasional fight. Bottom line is, use common sense, but don’t be afraid of pain. Life is pain. And pain don’t hurt.

Counterpoint:

10 – Loyalty
Stay true to your friends. There will be a lot of opportunities to ditch them, especially when you’re a kid. Maybe it’s because a girl doesn’t like one of them. Maybe it’s because one of them smells really bad. Maybe it’s because one of them keeps almost getting you arrested. Maybe it’s because one of them just got beat up on the beach by an Aryan demigod. And in those four cases, yes, it’s absolutely okay to ditch them. But the rest of the time you probably shouldn’t. Especially if one of them has rich parents.

Counterpoint –

Bonus Value! Smarts –
You might not be the luckiest kid on earth (but with a dad like me, you probably are), and you might not be the best looking kid out there (but with a dad like me, you probably are), and there’s not much you can do about that until you get enough money to make your own luck and/or re-engineer your own face. But you can increase your odds of success in life by learning as much as you can about everything. Read whatever you can get your hands on, even if it gets you branded a nerd – at first life won’t be so great, but eventually your smarts will pay off and you’ll be able to manipulate people any which way you choose. Soon enough you’ll be holding dominion over your mental inferiors. Sure, you might rather be good-looking and lucky – especially since that’s all you need to win in this country – but at least you can control your smarts.

After all, sometimes a clever move is all it takes to win the day: