My wife called me today to alert me to the latest adorable thing my son did. Are you ready for this?!

She was getting him ready for his bath, and he decided that the moment right AFTER his diaper came off was the perfect moment to urinate. So urinate he did, all over the floor. Then he slipped in his own urine. And fell. Into his own urine.

SUPER CUTE, right? The kind of thing you’d expect to see an adorable homeless man do while you’re waiting for the subway. I’m actually a little shocked I haven’t seen that happen. I live in New York!

But toddlers and the homeless have a lot of other behavior in common. So much so that it can be hard to tell them apart.

Let’s try.

HOMELESS OR TODDLER?

Q – This person likes to grab his crotch, sometimes while naked and/or while babbling incoherently/laughing/yelling.
A – BOTH!

Q – Stomps around in public yelling unintelligible phrases and ocassionaly accosting strangers, sometimes even grabbing their belongings and running off with them.
A – BOTH!

Q – Wears own urine, feces and vomit on their person, the stench of which dominates their vicinity. May also expel one or the other or the other at you should you get to close.
A – BOTH!

Q – Rifles through the trash for items of entertainment and sustenance, with little regard for its condition or the fact that people are staring and appalled.
A – BOTH!

Q – Displays the behavior of a manic depressive, bursting into tears or exploding with laughter without a moment’s warning. May occasionally get violent.
A – BOTH!

Q – Treats a meal with varying levels of contempt and desperation, alternatively mashing food into their mouths, then throwing it at innocent passers-by.
A – BOTH!

Q – Marvels at the functionality of buttons, manipulating others so as to gain proximity to said buttons and repeatedly push them, reacting with screams and aggressive physicality when the buttons are no longer within reach.
A – This one’s just my son. But he’ll be homeless soon if he keeps it up.