It’s been a few weeks since I offered up my services as a parent whisperer. Despite my constant ranting against the idea of parental expertise and the superiority complexes of the Other Parent, I still feel confident that I am the one true parenting expert and am better at it than anyone else on earth.

Unfortunately I haven’t had any opportunities to display this prowess, as no one has submitted any questions to my blog’s new advice section.

But I’m no lazybones. So instead of waiting for all of the ill-equipped, terrible, surely-raising-the-next-Hitler-via-their-dumbass-parenting parents out there to email me with questions, I’m making up some of my own. And signing them as only John McClane would.

*Once I start getting actual questions, my advice column will run once a week.

Dear Dad and Buried,

My son just won’t fall asleep. And on the rare occasion he does fall asleep, he won’t stay asleep. I’ve heard of all the tough love solutions, like Ferberizing and Crying It Out, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t bear to hear him screaming for even a minute, I just have to run and and comfort him. Of course that leads to me bringing him to my bed, which leads to none of us getting any sleep. I’m at the end of my rope! What can I do?

– Miles To Go

Dear Miles,

Don’t be such a sap. What’s better, hearing your son cry for twenty minutes before falling asleep, or hearing the screams of the mental patients down the hall when you’re committed to Bellevue or Arkham or whatever the most prominent loony bin is these days? Because the less sleep your son gets, the less you get, and the less sleep you get, the more killy you get. Soon your sleep deprivation will lead to you have murdering your husband and your son and anyone else nearby, and your trial will go poorly and you’ll end up committed for life. It’s a fact. So man up and cry it out with your kid. It worked wonders for me, and my son is totally well-adjusted and doesn’t piss his pants whenever he hears my footsteps at all. Just do it. Either that or chorloform it up and drop him at the fire station. Seriously. That fire station move is fucking ACES.

Take This Under Advisement, Jerkweed,

Dad and Buried

Dear Dad and Buried,

The other day, I was going out to run some errands and was taking my kids along. I have pretty big car but I’m trying to keep it clean, so rather than let my kids squeeze into the back with their sticky hands and snotty faces, I strapped them to the hood. I was only going around the corner to pick up some meth. It was a thirty minute drive tops, and only 25 of those were on the highway. Anyway, I got busted for endangering their lives or whatever. The fact is, I can’t afford four car seats. Assuming I ever get my kids back, what the hell can I do to keep my car clean AND my kids safe?

– High As Shit

Dear High,

Car seats are expensive. But I bet you could almost afford at least one if you bought less meth. Easier said than done, I know. Moving on…how old are your kids? If they are under fifteen, I’m pretty sure you can drop that in front of a fire station, no questions asked. I would do that, since they sound like a pain in the ass. Or, maybe you could just give them a bath once in a while so they don’t muck up your El Camino. One or the other.

Take This Under Advisement, Jerkweed,

Dad and Buried

Bonus Question!

As I was writing these fictional but totally PULLED FROM THE HEADLINES questions and answers, I got an actual submission! It’s not quite an advice question but still, “beggars and choosers” and so on and etc. It counts!

Dear Dad and Buried,

I was wondering if I could mention your blog on my blog. It’s a tongue-in-cheek piece about better bloggers than myself.

Thanks.

– I Hope I Win A Toaster

Hi I Hope I Win A Toaster,

First things first – I have no extra toasters to award to people who submit advice questions and/or unsolicited praise, though any such correspondence is appreciated. Sorry about that.

Now, to the matter at hand, yes, of course you may mention my blog on your blog. I wish every single blogger in the world would mention my blog on their blogs. The more publicity I get, the moneyer merrier. So go for it. I’m flatt–wait. Exactly HOW tongue-in-cheek are you going here? Because I said I didn’t have any EXTRA toasters. You are welcome to the one toaster I do have, just don’t make me look bad. I’m begging you. I can’t lose my blog because of negative publicity, it’s all I have. I mean, besides my wife and son, of course.

Take This Under Advisement, Jerkweed,

Dad and Buried