Men may not get to take part in the miracle of childbirth, but don’t feel bad, guys. There are some pregnancy perks for you too!

We’re a few months into life with two kids, and it’s pretty much going according to plan. Basically, we’re exhausted. But we have a cute little baby around who occasionally eases the pain. In fact, despite the exhaustion and the stress and the problematic logistics that come with adjusting to life with a newborn, Mom and Buried is thrilled to no longer be pregnant. She didn’t love round two.

I’m glad she’s feeling better. But I actually kind of miss it. Especially since we now have two kids and from where I stand that’s a hell of a lot harder than one and a half.

I hate to say it, but while my wife was uncomfortable and nauseous and tired and… bigger-boned(?) than usual, I was living high on the hog. Because there are a lot of fun perks to living with a pregnant chick (there are some downsides too but I’m already on thin ice here so let’s save those for another time.) In fact, there were almost enough pregnancy perks to make a guy want another kid and I honestly can’t believe I was able to finish that sentence without breaking my own fingers.

I’ve written down a few of the things that made the months leading up to the birth of The Hammer bearable for me, and not a single one of them includes the fact that I didn’t have a newborn waking me up in the middle of night every single night for the past two months and the foreseeable future.

Pregnancy Perks for Guys

• Junk Food – Jesus, the junk food. Far be it from me to deprive my wife of the snacks she craved during her nine months of sobriety. With all the chocolate and chips we had stocking the cupboards, it was like being in college again!
• Boys’ Nights! – Hefting a fetus around for nine months is tiring. And it takes a toll on your body. Add that to the fact that pregnant women can’t drink, and there were many nights when Mom and Buried just wanted to stay in. And while I love a good Netflix and Chill as much – if not more than – the next guy, with her at home already, I got a few extra opportunities to go out with some friends. Opportunities that will be few and far between for the next few months/years.
• CHA-CHING – You won’t believe the money we saved by not buying bottles of vodka and wine! And when only one person gets a drink with dinner? The bill is cut in half! (Also: DESIGNATED DRIVER.)
• Lazy Days – Speaking of Netflix and Chill… Mom and Buried is typically loathe to sit around. Save for the rare rainy Sunday, she likes to have a plan and do things. It’s super annoying. But during pregnancy, constant activity is much harder. “Oh, your back hurts? I’m sorry, honey. Sure, we can lie in bed and watch Netflix.” SCORE!
• Sympathy Weight – Why do I have a belly? I’M SUPPORTING MY WIFE! I’m a feminist! Now pass me another beer.
• Hormones – Yes, sometimes these rear their head in scary ways. One afternoon my wife went from laughing hysterically to crying hysterically to eating a bucket of ice cream hysterically in the span of thirteen seconds. But sometimes those same hormones made her horny. And despite what Yahoo Answers might tell you, women can’t get double-pregnant. BOOM.