15 Apr

Dad and Buried Posted in Drinking 2 comments

Anger Management

There are certain environments in which it’s not healthy for children to grow up: brothels, crack houses, religious cults, tour buses, Staten Island, etc.But you don’t have to be a pimp or Tommy Lee to create a negative atmosphere for your kids. Sometimes you just have to be in a bad mood.

It’s impossible to be a human being in this day and age and not get pissed off once in a while. But unless you’re the unbalanced coach of a college basketball team or my old college roommate, you probably know how to handle your anger. At least, you think you do, until you have a toddler.

I don’t care how mild-mannered you are, occasionally you’re gonna get mad. Maybe not at your child, but probably in his vicinity, and often about stuff he does.

Then you’ll really find out how good your anger management really is. (Not Charlie Sheen’s “Anger Management,” or even Adam Sandler’s. They’re both terrible.)

Pop Vulture

A lot of things have changed since I became a father. I drink less, I curse less, I sleep less…

Of course, many of those things likely would have been changing anyway, by virtue of age and ~~maturity~~ age. So my son doesn’t get all the blame, not in those instances.

He does, however, get all the blame for the alarming shift in my pop culture habits.

Altering the media you consume because you are a parent might seem like a minor thing to some people, especially pretentious snobs who don’t own computers and don’t watch TV, and obnoxious jerks who pretend they don’t own a computer or watch TV. But for me, it’s a big deal.

Zombie Post: Happy Easter

I couldn’t let Easter Sunday, the day Zombie Jesus arose from his grave!, go by without a zombie post. And, since one of those posts is merely a photo, you get two! It’s an Easter miracle! The post with some actual content is two years old, and it’s all about a young girl’s attempt atRead more about Zombie Post: Happy Easter[…]

28 Mar

Dad and Buried Posted in discipline 2 comments

Delaying Game

There’s an art to putting things off.

When you are trying to avoid doing something you don’t want to do, you find other ways to fill your time. Hopefully other, better ways.

For example, my wife often says “I have a headache.” Not only can I neither confirm nor deny the presence of an ache in her head, making it the perfect excuse, she gets to go to sleep. And when you have a toddler, nothing is better than sleep.

When you are a toddler and you are trying to put off doing something you don’t want to do, you are in a pickle. Because not only do you have just about zero independence, thus limiting your ability to find alternative uses for your time, you’re also stupid.

Toy Story

There are a lot of children’s stories about toys that yearn to become real. There’s the classic Disney flick Pinocchio, the melancholy children’s book “The Velveteen Rabbit” and the heartwarming and erotic Mannequin, starring silver-screen legend Andrew McCarthy.

These stories are all aimed at children, though some seem more appropriate for really, really dumb children (Mannequin). And there are plenty more in this vein. Oddly, there aren’t many toy-based stories for adults (unless you count porn).

But the lack of such stories for grown-ups makes sense. As a parent, it’s not often that I wish one of my son’s toys would become real, though it would be fun to pummel the life out of a flesh-and-blood Elmo.

On the other hand, I do occasionally wish my son would become a toy. At least there’d be less shit to clean up.

Dad and Buried

Category: Drinking

Anger Management

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Zombie Post: Happy Easter

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Delaying Game

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Toy Story

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