Of Allergies and Effigies

Of Allergies and Effigies

Every Spring, for the past two years, I have been faced with a crippling bout of allergies. I never really had them before, so their onset is a tad confusing. I’ve lived in NYC for more than four years now, in the same neighborhood, so as much as this Red Sox fan would love to, I can’t blame the Big Apple.

I’d like to blame the trees, but Marky Mark made that seem too ridiculous. I’d also like to blame The Trees, but my days of listening to Rush were long gone well before the allergies set in.

So after a brief, slightly ill-considered, largely well-inebriated period of elimination, I’ve come to a startling conclusion: I’m allergic to my son.

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The Death of Spontaneity

The Death of Spontaneity

Back when I was single, or even married without a kid, planning things wasn’t necessary. I’d get an impromptu phone call from a friend and just say “sure, I’ll be right there!” Then I’d actually be right there, and we’d spend the next 11 hours sitting at a bar.

Nowadays, if I don’t have something on the books at least a week in advance, I can’t even answer that phone call. Just getting yourself and your kid out of the house takes an eternity. When you become a parent, the concept of “spur of the moment” ceases to exist.

Having children means the death of spontaneity.

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The Future is Ow!

The Future is Ow!

I have seen the future, and it’s one in which my son can’t walk three steps without bumping into EVERYTHING and immediately getting mugged for his bionic glasses. Undeniably impressive – but the video doesn’t reflect actual functionality; it’s only a movie about what Project Glass “might” do. All we really know is that theRead more about The Future is Ow![…]

Babies Who Love Babies

Babies Who Love Babies

My son’s a pedophile.

I mean, he’s not in NAMBLA yet or anything, or even NABBLA (North American Baby/Baby Love Association, which I don’t think exists and will not be Googling to find out), but man, does he love him some babies.

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Homeless or Toddler?

Homeless or Toddler?

My wife called me today to alert me to the latest adorable thing my son did. Are you ready for this?!

She was getting him ready for his bath, and he decided that the moment right AFTER his diaper came off was the perfect moment to urinate. So urinate he did, all over the floor. Then he slipped in his own urine. And fell. Into his own urine.

SUPER CUTE, right? The kind of thing you’d expect to see an adorable homeless man do while you’re waiting for the subway. I’m actually a little shocked I haven’t seen that happen. I live in New York!

But toddlers and the homeless have a lot of other behavior in common. So much so that it can be hard to tell them apart.

Let’s try.

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