27 Oct

Dad and Buried Posted in Babies No comments

Humiliate Your Children

You owe it to yourself to humiliate your children.

When they’re older they’ll do it to themselves, whether they like it or not. It’s totally inevitable that at some point in their lives our children will be the focus of widespread ridicule as the result of some embarrassing miscue, whether it’s accidentally going into the girls’ bathroom or clumsily tripping on stage as they reach for their diploma or someone filming a video of them when they’re so drunk their attempts at speech sound like Chewbacca making love to the Hulk.

It’ll happen. Just as it’s happened to all of us. Until it does, it’s your job. And it must be done.

07 Oct

Dad and Buried Posted in Future 5 comments

How To Take Care of a Fussy Baby

If you’ve ever raised a baby, you know how the presence of an infant can transform your home into something like Arkham Asylum. It’s just constant chaos, noise, paranoia and catatonia, and I haven’t even mentioned the food and feces that litter the walls, floor and your clothes. But hey, it’s all worth it once they grow up to be ungrateful money grubbers who show you no respect!

Dealing with a baby is hard. Dealing with a crying, frantic, fussy baby is hell on earth. And even just a few weeks in, I’ve learned a few tricks for making life with a baby just a little more tolerable.

23 Sep

Dad and Buried Posted in Eating 14,591 comments

Mmmm… Babies.

I know I spend a lot of time on this blog talking shit about how having a baby is going to destroy my life. One week in and it turns out I am freaking Nostradamus: all of my fears are already coming true! No sleep, no sex, no social life. Blah blah blah. And it’s only going to get worse.

But there are some things I am looking forward to, and a lot of things I didn’t expect. Good things.

At the risk of getting all soft and sentimental, I’m going to share the most amazing and unexpected part of being a new dad. No, it’s not how much I already love him, or how little I care about being woken up when he cries, or how inexplicably colorful his crap is.

It’s something even crazier.

My Fantasy Draft Versus The Birth of My Child

The end of summer brings with it a few milestones for Dad and Buried.

One is the arrival of my first child, another is the arrival of my 10th or 11th or maybe even 12th season (who remembers?) of Fantasy Football. My baby’s due date is not set in stone; he’ll come when he feels like it.

My league’s draft date, however, is August 21st, and that is non-negotiable!

29 Jul

Dad and Buried Posted in Movies 7,358 comments

The Business of Being Indoctrinated

As part of training for eventual “Father of the Year” status and in preparation for the storming of my wife’s inner thighs, I have begun watching a few DVDs about the intricacies of childbirth.

Not all of the DVDs are tutorials, though the very first one we watched was, and featured an obnoxious woman who fancied herself a comedienne. With every nugget of information she parceled out about the shape of the inside of my wife’s vagina, she performed an excruciating little skit that was – and I don’t speak from experience – more painful than labor. I don’t want to speak for my wife, but can we please keep any and all attempts at laughter away from her genitals?

Last night we took a breather from Gilda Radner’s Guide to Reproduction and moved on to The Business of Being Born, a documentary exploring the world of midwifery and why if you deliver your baby in the hospital you’re a slave to the system and the reason for global warming.

Dad and Buried

Tag: entertainment

Humiliate Your Children

Like this:

How To Take Care of a Fussy Baby

Like this:

Mmmm… Babies.

Like this:

My Fantasy Draft Versus The Birth of My Child

Like this:

The Business of Being Indoctrinated

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this: