How To Take Care of a Fussy Baby

If you’ve ever raised a baby, you know how the presence of an infant can transform your home into something like Arkham Asylum. It’s just constant chaos, noise, paranoia and catatonia, and I haven’t even mentioned the food and feces that litter the walls, floor and your clothes. But hey, it’s all worth it once they grow up to be ungrateful money grubbers who show you no respect!

Dealing with a baby is hard. Dealing with a crying, frantic, fussy baby is hell on earth. And even just a few weeks in, I’ve learned a few tricks for making life with a baby just a little more tolerable.

23 Sep

Dad and Buried Posted in Eating 177 comments

Mmmm… Babies.

I know I spend a lot of time on this blog talking shit about how having a baby is going to destroy my life. One week in and it turns out I am freaking Nostradamus: all of my fears are already coming true! No sleep, no sex, no social life. Blah blah blah. And it’s only going to get worse.

But there are some things I am looking forward to, and a lot of things I didn’t expect. Good things.

At the risk of getting all soft and sentimental, I’m going to share the most amazing and unexpected part of being a new dad. No, it’s not how much I already love him, or how little I care about being woken up when he cries, or how inexplicably colorful his crap is.

It’s something even crazier.

The Business of Being Indoctrinated

As part of training for eventual “Father of the Year” status and in preparation for the storming of my wife’s inner thighs, I have begun watching a few DVDs about the intricacies of childbirth.

Not all of the DVDs are tutorials, though the very first one we watched was, and featured an obnoxious woman who fancied herself a comedienne. With every nugget of information she parceled out about the shape of the inside of my wife’s vagina, she performed an excruciating little skit that was – and I don’t speak from experience – more painful than labor. I don’t want to speak for my wife, but can we please keep any and all attempts at laughter away from her genitals?

Last night we took a breather from Gilda Radner’s Guide to Reproduction and moved on to The Business of Being Born, a documentary exploring the world of midwifery and why if you deliver your baby in the hospital you’re a slave to the system and the reason for global warming.

01 Jul

Dad and Buried Posted in Future 3 comments

Top 10 Things About Being A Dad That I’m Looking Forward To

Yesterday I listed all the stuff I need to learn about babies so I don’t inadvertently flush my heir down the toilet or something.

As I said, the depth of my ignorance is terrifying. But once you get past all the ways in which I could easily kill or cripple my own child, there’s a bunch of stuff that will probably be pretty fun.

So I’ve made another list!

Dad and Buried

Tag: pop culture

How To Take Care of a Fussy Baby

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Mmmm… Babies.

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The Business of Being Indoctrinated

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Top 10 Things About Being A Dad That I’m Looking Forward To

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