Over the summer, when my son was still firmly in “baby” territory, I wrote about the Toddler Menace.
This past weekend, with my son now a toddler himself, my words came back to haunt me.
Tags: babies, brooklyn heights, housewarming party, killing machine, pac man, parenting, stress, toddlers
Here I was, complaining about my son scaring me when apparently what I should be worrying about are the things that are scaring him.
Because apparently babies can have nightmares.
God knows what they entail.
Tags: bad dreams, loud noises, spuds mackenzie
I want my son to like superheroes.
I don’t much care if he gets into comics or not; I never did and it didn’t stop me from digging the heroes they created. Besides, if anything, today’s superhero-saturated culture makes it easier than ever to get exposed to comic book characters without actually reading comic books. And I’m not worried that my son won’t go through a superhero phase at some point. He’s a little boy; whether caused nature (genetics), nurture (my guidance), their sheer prevalence in today’s pop culture or just the natural law of childhood, it seems pretty likely that he will. I certainly won’t stop him.
But I may try to steer him towards one superhero in particular…
Tags: saturday morning cartoons, comic book characters, bret easton ellis, graphic novel
It’s one of the cliches of parenting that kids grow up fast. One minute you’re dreading dealing with diapers, the next you’re teaching them how to drive their flying cars (these have gotta happen eventually, right?).
Not only is everyone aware of this belief, pretty much everyone accepts it as well, whether they have kids themselves or not. Of course, once someone does have kids it’s no longer just a belief; it becomes immediately apparent that the cliche is 100% true. So much so that that terrible sitcom convention – wherein an older couple suddenly decides they want a new baby, usually after the mom is exposed to someone else’s kid (and always because the show needs an infusion of cute) – suddenly makes perfect sense.
Except Oliver. That kid sucked.
Tags: having a baby, sitcom
We are one of the lucky ones: our child sleeps.
Wary of all the horror stories, we opted to give Cry It Out a shot. It worked like a charm (and I recommend it up and down). When our son goes to sleep, he stays asleep. For 11 to 12 hours. Every night.
But, every once in a while, when he’s not feeling well or is tossing and turning, we will let him sleep in our bed.
It never goes well.
Tags: bed of nails, queen bed
My son is a real baby.
Of course, by developmental standards, he’s not a baby anymore. He can “walk” and “talk” and understand things like a toddler, and he’s definitely not the size of a baby, except maybe those fat asses you see on Maury Povich and Jerry Springer. When you measure by those benchmarks, he’s a toddler.
But if you measure by his ability to withstand pain? He’s a baby, through and through.
The first Super Bowl I remember seeing was the Redskins/Raiders in 1983. My parents sent me to bed before the game was over but I snuck onto the stairs and listened as best I could from around the corner. I didn’t miss much. The Raiders won 38-9.
That Raiders blowout was sandwiched between a Dolphins loss I don’t remember (the year before, to the Redskins) and a Dolphins loss I do remember (the following year, to the 49ers). Man, it’s been a long time since they’ve been in that game. Like Marino himself, I expected a lot more than just that one.
Hopefully my son will get luckier than me.
Tags: brainwashing, false history, Giants, matt flynn, miami dolphins, Patriots, Super Bowl, Truman Show
On Monday, we dropped our kid off at his first daycare session. There was a fair amount of screaming, quite a bit of crying and a desperate need for some hand-holding.
And that was just my wife. Rimshot!
Tags: babysitting, mom and dad, separation anxiety
I am not a “joiner.” I don’t really “participate.” I can’t feign enthusiasm so if I’m not feeling it, you’re not seeing any. Unless I’m drunk.
When I’m sober, you may be able to make me do something (depending on your level of authority) but you can’t make me pretend I want to do it. I’m looking at you, North Carolina State Trooper Jurgenson.
Such rebellion can be fun and empowering, and might even occasionally bear a whiff of integrity. But as a father, it can seem more like vanity, and it has the potential to create issues with your kids. Because when you’re a parent you’re going to be forced to do things you don’t necessarily want to do, and faking it won’t work. You can’t fool children, no matter how big a fake smile you wear, and the last thing I ever want is for my son to think I would rather be doing anything else but spend time with him.
Which is how I recently found myself making animal noises and pretending to be a horse and shaking maracas and singing like a frog. All with a big, genuine smile on my face.
Tags: animal noises, fake smile
On Tuesday I read a great post on Baltimore Magazine’s “Learning to Crawl” parenting blog. It’s essentially a confession from a father that he is a terrible parent.
The post is largely facetious, but only because it’s written by a man who has been a parent for five years now. Had it been written by the same man prior to his son’s birth, I imagine it would have been a lot more serious. Because before he’d actually had the kid, the guy didn’t know what he was talking about.
The post is really about the futility of parenting decisions that are made in a vacuum. Kids aren’t lab rats; in fact, it doesn’t take long for us new parents to realize that we’re the lab rats. We’re the ones being tested. And, as the post enumerates, we’re the ones that are constantly failing.
Only not really.
Tags: baltimore magazine, ends justify the means, lab rats, new parents, parenting decisions
Shit My Kids Ruined Intrepid Media
