Want Ads – What To Get The Dad Who Has Everything

Apartment. Single Bedroom sublet also acceptable.

Male, mid-30s, looking to sublet a bedroom or apartment for a few weeks (potentially years). My needs are few: Space to lay down. And NO BABIES. I don’t just mean no babies in your part of the apartment, I mean NO BABIES IN THE VICINITY. Not in the building, not on the block, not even close. If I so much as hear a rattle, I will torch the entire building without even thinking twice.

That said, I’m an easy tenant! As long as there’s a blanket I don’t even need a mattress.

All I need is an empty space with enought room for me to lay down, with a door that closes and NO BABIES.

Time Machine.

Must have range of at least 15 months and allow for travel into the past. Preferably housed in an isolated place where, upon arrival, there is room for me to lay down, with a door, and NO BABIES in the vicinity (see above re: arson). Would prefer ability to travel backwards and forwards in time – at least once each way – so as to return to the present after I’ve gotten one single goddamn night of baby-free sleep.

NOTE: Inability to return to present is not a deal-breaker. Just get me out of here.

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