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The Worst Gifts to Get Kids

25 Dec christmas gets real, christmas, shopping, holidays, kids, money, gifts, atm card, parenting, dads, moms, stress, honesty, ecard, funny, humor, dad bloggers

This isn’t about dangerous toys. I honestly wouldn’t even know where to begin such a list. When I was a kid, if you wore a bike helmet you were King Dork of Nerd Mountain. Nowadays, you need a helmet just to ride the school bus or you’ll end up suing the NFL. The standards for safety have changed so drastically that I’ve pretty much stopped giving my kid anything that has corners. I’m not even joking: my son has never had a Saltine. NOTHING BUT RITZ.

Instead, this list is about the worst gifts for kids. Not all kids, like I said, I can’t speak to that. But the worst gifts to buy your own children. I don’t give a shit what my neighbors give their kids. At least not until my son sees whatever cool new toy Rohan-across-the-street’s parents bought him and starts waking me up in the middle of the night screaming for it.

I swear to god, last week I found my kid at his little desk with a stack of papers with “No ‘Jake and the Neverland Pirates’ Hideout Toy Makes Me a Dull Boy” scribbled all over them in crayon. He wrote “NAP RETEP” in red lipstick on the back of my bedroom door. It was fucking terrifying.

When did Christmas become so cutthroat?

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The Vengeful Wife’s Holiday Gift Guide

15 Dec parenthood, parenting, dad and buried, christmas, movies, pop culture, dad bloggers, mommy bloggers, christmas, holidays, vengeful, revenge, holidays, gift guide, pregnancy

Moms, I know you love your kids. But don’t you kind of wish you didn’t have to go through pregnancy to get them? I know you love your husbands too, but isn’t it frustrating that they don’t have to experience the grueling marathon of labor?

Damn right it is.

Mom and Buried is at the tail end of a grueling year, and (after you take into account her irresistible looks) she has no one to blame for it but the guy who knocked her up. I know how hard the last nine months have been on Mom and Buried, so you can’t tell me she wouldn’t love a little revenge. I bet you all would.

This holiday season, you’re in luck!

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Not-so-silent Night

9 Dec parenting, parenthood, motherhood, fatherhood, moms, dads, dad bloggers, mommy bloggers, dad and buried, funny, humor, kids, family, christmas, ecard, in-laws, gifts, wordless wednesday, music, drums, kids, children, stress

I’m no stranger to giving passive-aggressive gifts to subtly – or not – display my true feelings.

But my in-laws don’t play.

Thanks to the gift they got for my son, Christmas will be a not-so-silent night this year.

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Smack Balk

29 Nov smack apparel, dad and buried, parenting, sports, parenthood, football, NFL, miami dolphins, smack talk, dads, kids, role model, funny, humor, dad bloggers, yankees, red sox

Sometimes watching sports and being a (good) parent is a tough combination. Especially when you’re a Dolphins fan.

I don’t have much to cheer for these days, but I do have plenty to cheer against (primarily the Patriots, Jets, and Bills). Unfortunately, there’s a five-year-old around most of the time, which makes talking smack about my rivals a lot harder.

But I think I may have found a solution. Thank God Detective Munch can’t read!

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Baby Item Wish List

10 Nov baby, dad and buried, dad blogs, mommy blogs, dad and buried, mike julianelle, funny, humor, kids, family, stress, shopping, life, lifestyle, parents, parenting, motherhood, fatherhood, kids, money

My wife’s friends are throwing her a sprinkle, which is both the name of a smaller, not-your-first-kid baby shower and a word I will spend the rest of my life trying to avoid saying.

As one does when generous friends plan to ease the stress and expense of preparing for a major life-changing event, my wife has started a registry. I have not seen this registry, and I may never see it. I may even be fabricating the fact that she even started one. I haven’t been paying attention.

Regardless, I decided to write a baby item wish list of things I think we need for baby #2, some of which are obvious, some of which are outlandish, and a few of which don’t actually exist.

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