How To Explain Trump To Kids

How To Explain Trump To Kids

My six-year-old won’t be watching the first presidential debate tonight because a) he’s six and b) he doesn’t need to hear the terrible things people will say during the debate, and by “people” I mean me and by “terrible things” I mean the filthy words I will be yelling at the screen every time Trump speaks.

In a perfect world, Donald Trump will get crushed in November and retreat back to one of his gross hotels, never to be seen again except all the time everywhere because he is a craven opportunist with absolutely no shame and the media worships him. But that’s fine, he can have his TV appearances, so long as I never have to explain to my kids why a misogynistic bigot is President of the United States.

But it’s possible, and in order to be prepared for that possibility, I’ve begun trying to think of ways to explain President Trump in terms my six-year-old can understand.

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Damage Control

Damage Control

Someone must have told Rogaine® that I just turned 40.

Shortly after my birthday, they sent me some of their product that treats Hereditary Hair Loss – thinning at the crown of the head – in what has to be considered one of the sickest burns of all time.

I just wish they’d sent it twenty years ago, when I could have prepared myself.

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Why Texting is Better Than Calling

Why Texting is Better Than Calling

I hate talking on the phone. I hate it so much that if we are in the middle of a conversation via text, and then you call me, I will ignore the phone and continue texting you.

First of all, talking on the phone is the literal worst. Second of all, whether you respond to an email with a phone call, respond to a text with a email, or respond to a phone call with a text, changing mediums MID-CONVERSATION is the height of rudeness!

Well, actually calling someone is the height of rudeness, but switching mediums midstream is a close second! Anyway, here are three scenarios illustrating why texting is better than calling.

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Underrated Milestones

Underrated Milestones

My second kid turned eight months old yesterday. He has a few teeth, we’ve started easing him into baby food (with disastrous results), and he’s looking to crawl any minute, which is going to severely complicate my life and increase my stress level.

Meanwhile, the original kid started first grade last week. He is about to lose a few teeth, tried oysters for the first time over the summer (loved them!), and, most significantly, is dangerously close to being able to read the channel guide, thus preventing me from lying about his shows not being on.

This is all very momentous, obviously, but when do my kids developmental milestones start helping me?

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