My son’s impending entry into Kindergarten is causing a whole host of problems in my life. (Not the least of which will be his eventual ability to read the channel guide as I try to quickly scroll past the names of his garbage programs.)
It’s still six months away and yet it’s already negatively impacting my life. There are all sorts of schedules, and schedules mean planning, and I don’t like planning. I’m supposed to know what I’m doing six months in advance? I don’t even know what I did two days ago, and that was two days! Ago! (I went on a bar crawl, so what did you expect? I’m surprised I’m awake right now.)
But I’m a parent. Of a soon-to-be kindergartener. Planning has become an unavoidable part of my life. I mean, it’s even part of “planning” an escape.
It’s like I’m being mocked.
Parents are a pretty sensitive group.
Perhaps because they themselves are the King of the Judgers, parents are more attuned to perceived slights than most. No group of people is more “victimized” than parents — and the word “victimized” is in quotes for exactly the reason you think it is.
These days, there’s just not a lot you can get away with saying to or about moms and dads without someone getting offended. You have to use your words very carefully.
You’d probably have better luck suggesting that Hitler had some good ideas than saying just about anything about parenting to a parent.
Every year around this time, a million different websites do some goofy version of a March Madness competition. So far I’ve seen brackets for beer, TV shows, bands, even junk food.
But has anyone done one about parenting? Probably! But now I have too! Introducing March Sadness: Dad and Buried’s Tournament of Complaints!
Where even the winner sucks!
My son has a Band-Aid fetish. (Don’t get weird; he’s four.)
The dude loves wearing Band-Aids. For any reason. For no reason. FOR ALL REASONS.
(It is weird, just not in that way, pervert.)
Here are the top five “reasons” he’ll ask for a Band-Aid:
- Actual bleeding
- There’s a chance at some point he may bleed sometime later on maybe?
- Batman is on them
I wrote a piece about Detective Munch’s obsession with Band-Aids – they’re nothing but glorified stickers! – for Lifetime Moms, and I wouldn’t be even the littlest bit upset if you were to follow the link below and read it. I promise. I wouldn’t even be mad if you shared it! Seriously. It’s not your fault.
I FORGIVE YOU.
Most of the stuff people tell you about having a baby? Total garbage.
It’s either too much or too little, too intense or too laid back, too judgy or too deadbeat, too scary or not scary enough. And all of it – every single bit – is refracted through each “helpful” person’s own prism, informed by their own experiences and their own specific circumstances, all of which are unique and personal when it comes to even the most generic of tasks, and so esoteric as to be meaningless when it comes to raising children.
But the stuff about losing sleep and being tired? That’s some solid gold truth.