Over the weekend, my son unleashed his first swear word.
The chosen curse was “bitch!” And as far as Mom and Buried and I could tell, he didn’t direct it at anyone. He just kind of said it. And it was pretty evident that he had no idea what it meant.
But that didn’t stop the Buried household from doing some soul-searching. Nobody wants to raise an asshole.
Obviously, cursing doesn’t make you an asshole.
I curse a lot, in print and in person, and that’s not the sum of my character. (I’m an asshole for a whole bunch of reasons.) I usually curse for emphasis, or for laughs. But regardless of my rationalizations, those words – once so forbidden, both in my home and, more generally, in the world at-large – are a part of my vocabulary. And Mom and Buried’s too. You’re probably no stranger to the occasional curse word yourself; who is, these days? (Oh, you are? Congratulations, you’re going to heaven!) Not everyone casually swears, but I’m fairly confident more people do today than when my parents were my age. We can probably blame TV.
I love pop culture and I’m no prude; I plan to introduce Detective Munch to a lot of my favorite examples of it. Just not yet. He’s only three! Which is actually kind of good, because even if he accidentally sees a second of one of Daddy’s adult TV shows, odds are he’s not going to start shooting people like Raylan Givens does, or having sex with them like everyone on Game of Thrones does. Even catching just the merest glimpses of sex and violence can affect a kid (and can be internalized in profound ways), but until you’re at least a little bit older than my son, that kind of behavior is less easily copied. Repeating bad language, though, is a cinch, especially with toddlers, who are parrots from the get-go.
I’ve written in the past about how kids copy what they see, how their behavior reflects their parents’, and how it’s important not to encourage the wrong things. Swearing is a perfect example of all three of those things. They’re gonna hear their share of swear words via entertainment, and their friends, and other adults, but it’s when they hear them from their parents that it makes the most impact. And that’s who they’re gonna copy, more often than not. So Mom and Buried and I need to take responsibility for my son sounding like a rap lyric.
I don’t know who Detective Munch was copying when he said “bitch” but I do know Mom and Buried and I got into a big argument about it. We both swear, maybe too much, and while I’m no angel, I try to curb my more colorful language when I’m around my son. But using those words has become such a habit, and is so ingrained in my everyday speech, I’m not always aware that I’m doing it! So it’s inevitable that, despite my best efforts, my kid has heard me saying some bad words around the house, and he’s probably heard my wife say some too. And the more he hears his Mom and Dad use them, the more acceptable they seem. Which is the problem.
I’m not always proud of the language I use, but I don’t think swearing is inherently wrong, provided that it’s not constant, is used in the right (or at least not in the wrong) context, and isn’t deployed with malice. But I’m an adult. My son is not. It will take him some time to understand the impact of swear words, and how and when to use them “properly”. Until then, those words are verboten. Which means they should probably be off-limits for me and my wife too. Which is SO LAME. But it’s the only way we’ll have a leg to stand on when we come down on him for cursing.
Sure, he’s eventually going to figure out that we’re huge hypocrites about tons of things, like all parents, but he doesn’t have to know just yet.
So we’re trying. It may not be easy, but what about parenting is? Mom and Buried and I are also trying to yell less, trying to be more patient, to eat better, to watch less TV and to do all sorts of other pointless things. Parenting is an ongoing battle that you often lose. The important part is that you care enough to give things like not swearing a shit.
I mean: a shot.
What swears have your kids thrown around? Let me know on Facebook!
6 thoughts on “Swear Tactics”
Great advice for parents in there. Though, I was hoping for something that makes it okay for me to curse. I’ve been trying to hold it in for years, four toddler’s worth of time now. Stuffing all those curses inside can’t be good. They are starting to come out at the worst times, but I have a new found respect for my father.
Haha, thanks. I’ve heard the rationalization that casually swearing around your kids helps defuse the power of the words. Sounds pretty dubious to me. I see no reason they can’t wait til their at least in their teens and twenties before they start dropping f-bombs left and right. At least in front of adults!
I thought you were going to go the same route I did. You keep finding ways to surprise me! I don’t disagree with a word you said, but here’s my take: http://www.amateuridiotprofessionaldad.com/kids-curse/
Yeah, I wussed out a bit on this one. I swear a lot now, but I grew up NEVER hearing my parents say anything worse than “shit” and even that was rare. It was off-limits and didn’t get major for me until college. And while I don’t have a big problem with swearing in general, I am not fond of children running around blurting out swears, partially for the same reason you mention in your post: it makes the parents look like assholes. Words are always just words until they aren’t just words, and I don’t think most kids – and many adults! – are capable of making the distinction. I guess I want my kid to live and learn some of the context and complications that come with curse words, and language in general, before he starts blurting them out left and right.
Years ago, my son (at the age of 3) learned “Bastard” from his grandmother who apparently said it when someone pulled out in front of her as she was driving with him in the backseat. I was unaware of this until someone cut me off in traffic one day on the way to daycare and a little voice piped up from the backseat with “Bastard”. I had to hold in my laughter as I corrected him.
Ah f**k, I relate to this more than you know! I have to be professional at work so I basically let rip at home and swearing is definitely part of my natural vocabulary (and George Carlin was so awesome!). And yes, I’ve never felt the urge to swear more than since having kids, as they infuriate me beyond measure!… And when they’re being adorable, it takes a world of effort not to squeeze them and say, “F**king hell, you are so f**king CUTE!”
It has felt really hypocritical curbing the language around them, and I don’t come from a sweary family (oooh, was it a rebellion that lead to my potty mouth??) but something you said touched a nerve: I can at least work out when to swear, because I am an adult, whereas they cannot.